CALL ME OUT

[bootyhunter]

CALL ME OUT:

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Currently writing Dandy (Space Dandy) / Rex Splode (Invincible) / and Simon Laurent (Infinity Train)

bootyhunter / himbomb / incelligent



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*Note: Sakamoto Tatsuma (Gintama) kaihentai and Asher Millstone (How to Get Away With Murder) moneyballer available on request



Also voicetesting Mike Wazowski (Monsters Inc) googlybear / Eddy (Ed, Edd, n' Eddy) edboy / Reagan Ridley (Inside Job) madcryentist / Abdul Ali (Squid Game) aitbaar / Portia Davenport (Search Party) portialain / Elliot Goss (Search Party) confabulous / Fleabag (Fleabag) feminitwit / Johnny Bravo (Johny Bravo) pretteh / and Joel Hammond (Santa Clarita Diet) screechy

Comments

UNKNOWN SEAS ADJASCENT?

[bootyhunter]

Hey! Feathers.

[Dandy calls out gruffly in the direction of the caped quackader. Crusader? Oh boy, that did not work.]

How much for one of your eggs, hah? I'm hungry.

[And nobody likes Dandy when he's hungry, although to be fair, it could be said that nearly nobody likes Dandy in general.]

You plannin' on popping some of those out any time soon?

i hate this

[calldw]

[ Bumbling as he is, Darkwing Duck has put up with many a thing no reasonable duck nor beakless flightless "huuuueemen" would ever deal with. No obstacle is too big for him, even being on a murder cruise ship.

…Except for this one, which has left him completely speechless for perhaps the first time in his monologue-loving life.

Darkwing stares up from his cruise ship buffet plate with the most "kill me now" expression he can possibly muster. ]

Alright, you Pompadoured Pinhead! Let’s get one thing straight here:

I don’t lay eggs! I’m a crime fighter!

[ This is the eighth time someone has asked him about his eggs on this cruise. ]

THAT ICON IS KILLING ME

[bootyhunter]

[Now, while it's true that Dandy would typically offer more resistance to the insults, his shoulders will drop and his bottom lip will wobble a tad, as if that will do his empty stomach any favors.]

...But you quack and stuff.

[calldw]

[ Darkwing boils into immediate frustration, practically leaping from the table. Imagine a really screechy Jim Cummings here. ]

When have you ever heard me quacking?!

[bootyhunter]

You did it just now! You see?

[He offers the poor duck an outstretched, long-fingered, and most likely unwashed hand.]

You quacked off riiiight in my beautiful face, baby!

[Dandy is suggesting that perhaps... That is just... What he hears when Darkwing Duck is talking, most days.]

You quack all the time.

[calldw]

[ Aside: ] Yeesh, and here I thought I had an ego.

[ The only thing that gets bruised more than Drake Mallard does is that ego after all. He crosses his arms, very matter-of-factly. ]

I have never. Nor will I ever. Quack. I speak perfectly plain English just as much as anyone else here!

[ Huff. He’s pretty firm on that point and is almost smug in the way he addresses it. ]

Besides, you can make your own breakfast! Laziness and ignorance is a dangerous combo.

is this the most vapid tag i have ever typed in my life? tbd

[bootyhunter]

Is it ignorance, or is it bliss?

[Dandy closes his eyes dramatically, pursing his lips as he presses an index finger to his forehead.]

You may say I'm a DumbDumb, but I say I'm enlightened, my feathery friend!

[What a statement...]

Why fight against the tides of change when you could just ride the wave? Life's a whole lot more fun that way, so why worry, why care? All that useless garbage just gets in the way of havin' yourself a grand old time.

I mean, Dandy lives and breathes for one thing and one thing only, and that's the beauty of a scrum-diddly-umptious booty, baby!

So, my man.

[NO!!!!!]

I'll ask you again- Ya got any eggs? What, are ya hidin' them up your butt or somethin'? Come on, don't hold out on me!

[thankfully he's too busy posing and puckering his lips to come try and squeeze them out bc that is absolutely a possibility and a line neither of us wishes to personally cross]

Maybe you can just fart one out. Or sneeze a little, say it with me! Aaaaaah-choo.

im crying

[calldw]

…Yep. It’s ignorance.

[ Listen dude. Drake here has seen a lot of shit. This is probably on the same level of being accosted by a chainsaw to the face. He’s just throwing his hands up in the air at this point. ]

The only thing you’ve been enlightened with, apparently, was one too many mallets to the head with a child!

[ … and yet there’s a boiling ego and frustration coming to a head here. Never mind the fact that Dandy is talking about how much he loves booty before asking Darkwing about his. There’s lines nobody here wants to cross. ]

Listen, pal, do you see me running up to you and asking you about your eggs? How am I supposed to know you don’t have them, huh?! Weirdo fleshy no-beaked… and here I thought you were supposed to be some space hero guy!

it's weird seeing him called "drake" bc the rapper's face Appears in my mind (1/??)

[bootyhunter]

[Dandy's nose wrinkles immediately, that mean mug of his looking meaner by the second. Not to be outdone, because why would he, he's an idiot, the pompadour-touting shithead puts his foot on whatever piece of furniture is closest and leans """menacingly""" in the duck's direction. This means war!]

I'm an alien hunter. Which is sort of like a hero, except my job is way cooler!

[*And much lower commitment.]

And, [This particular word is said with a smug, emphasized sort of impudence-] at least I don't gotta wear my underwear on the outside, like some kinda nerdyboy ninpomcoop!

2/???

[bootyhunter]

[Wait, fuck. That isn't right! So then next, he yells even louder-]

NIN-COM-PAHHHHHH....

3/4

[bootyhunter]

[Momentarily, all the hot air leaves him as he ponders what the syllables to that particular word could be-]

Poop-con-nim?

[Close but no dice...]

[bootyhunter]

Loser! Whatever.

[Both nostrils flare as he face contorts once more, this time into a disgruntled, sheepish expression. Dandy is a dumb as they come, but he'll be dead before he ever admits it.]

If I laid my own eggs, why would I be askin' you for any?!

[processing... processing]

But if ya think about it, that would be pretty Dandy... Does that mean I'd be able to poop my own breakfast?

[GOD????]

That'd save me a hell of a lot of work every day.

[What work? QT does all of it.]

And money.

[But it would also mean one less excuse to go to Boobies, so secretly he is grateful that he can't.]

i needed an appropriate icon before i could reply to this

[calldw]

[ Okay. That does it. Ever have a tiny duck get all up in your face before, Dandy? It's happening now. DW jumps up across the table, stretching his cape out behind him in order to accentuate his silhouette. Look afraid, Dandy!

... that's not working. After a moment of this, Darkwing settles for yelling and harshly jabbing Dandy in the chest with one finger, after each word. Imagine Jim Cummings saying all of this as aggravated as he possibly can: ]

I! DON'T! WANT! TO HEAR! ABOUT! ANNNNNNYYYYYYOOOONNNNEEEE! LAYING! EGGS!

[ Dandy is lucky he's not getting a fistful of feathers, honestly. Instead, DW settles for reaching for Dandy and trying to shake him like they're playing out some even more demented version of Ren and Stimpy. ]

NOT YOU! NOT AAANYYOONNNEEEEEE ELSE, BUT ESPECIALLY NOT ME!

[ In a way, this is sort of like staring into a funhouse mirror for DW. He's nearly as vain and ridiculous as Dandy is, and the fact he's self-aware to realize that kinda stinks. ]

We've been here for TWO WEEKS, THREE PEOPLE ARE DEAD, and I've had to answer about two-hundred and fifty six invasive questions about my species! Meanwhile, all you've concerned yourself with is "the ladies" and food!

If you're so good at alien hunting or - whatever - start putting some of that skill to good use!

the tag was worth the wait

[bootyhunter]

[Now, in any other situation, Dandy would be ready to throw hands in a cartoonishly aggressive fashion. He's used to animorphic critters getting all up in his overly hair-gelled grill, one feline fuckhead in particular, but at least this one doesn't smell of day-old fish flakes. The yelling is enough to get him to lean back and massage the space between his brows with an index finger, as yet again he is experiencing an ache of sorts. Not a headache, or a stomachache, or even the ache of a broken heart. Something less tangible, metaphysical even, that sits not within a singular part of him, but resonates throughout his entire body and beyond.

A string connecting to other strings- Of time itself.]

You've got about five seconds to back the hell out of my face, Birdbrain.
Or I'll tear that off that beak of yours and shove it right up those dinky tailfeathers. Then you'll definitely have somethin' to lay! Y'know, that isn't an egg, or... A lady.

[Despite his brash words, there's something about the alien hunter's expression that changes drastically. Dandy goes with the flow in most situations, but something about this particular cosmic tide strikes him as bizarre.]

Dead doesn't mean gone.

[He gets the funny feeling that he's had a similar experience before, although he can't quite remember the specifics of it. That very sensation, the notion that he's gone not to hell and back but someplace else where the living reside no longer... It's like deja vu.

But when did it happen? Where?]

Also? I'm an alien hunter, which means I wrangle weirdoes for a living. In space! I'm no murderer! What the hell am I supposed to do? You're the professional lifesaver, aren'tcha? How many of those lives did you manage to save, hah?