CALL ME OUT

[bootyhunter]

CALL ME OUT:

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Currently writing Dandy (Space Dandy) / Rex Splode (Invincible) / and Simon Laurent (Infinity Train)

bootyhunter / himbomb / incelligent



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*Note: Sakamoto Tatsuma (Gintama) kaihentai and Asher Millstone (How to Get Away With Murder) moneyballer available on request



Also voicetesting Mike Wazowski (Monsters Inc) googlybear / Eddy (Ed, Edd, n' Eddy) edboy / Reagan Ridley (Inside Job) madcryentist / Abdul Ali (Squid Game) aitbaar / Portia Davenport (Search Party) portialain / Elliot Goss (Search Party) confabulous / Fleabag (Fleabag) feminitwit / Johnny Bravo (Johny Bravo) pretteh / and Joel Hammond (Santa Clarita Diet) screechy

Comments

[fuckingguy]

i want an ic argument about ant titties

[bootyhunter]

with who

dandy will be for and rex will be against

utter the word “titties” in simon’s vicinity and he will evaporate

just almost wrote daddy instead of dandy i am begging you to break my laptop

[fuckingguy]

[ It's the group's third trial, and their first double homicide. Naruto Uzumaki and Mark Grayson are dead. Nolan Grayson, who murdered them both, has been successfully executed, but for a while there it was extremely touch-and-go. The surviving teens are having their own little funeral in the kitchen, alternating between cooking and sobbing onto each other. All-in-all, a pretty rough Friday!

One might expect Nandor to be in the thick of this, with good reason. For the past two weeks, he's annoyed the shit out of everyone around him by calling post-trial meetings and making a bunch of insensitive suggestions on how to improve hygienic practices if they've really got to murder... but not today. There was something different about this trial. It's not that two teenagers died, nor that a father killed his son, although that in itself is quite fucked up. Thankfully, since he's not about to delve into his feelings and figure out what was different, that's where the Nandor internality train stops! He just settles on the fact that he's irritable and wants to be alone.

But then he remembers: Omni-Man's roommate is dead too. Nobody lives in their room anymore. The door is unlocked and, more importantly, requires absolutely no invitation to enter. Fuck that guy for making him feel like a failure as a conqueror! Now he's just someone Nandor's outlived, another dumb dead asshole among millions, who can't keep anyone from pillaging his personal effects. With renewed vigor, he tries the door to the killer's room, then steps inside. ]

Oh, Dandy, you are also here.

[ It turns out that Nandor the Relentless is not, in fact, the only genius to ever think of going through a dead man's stuff. ]

I DIDNT SEE thiS TAG IM SO SORRY I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN TO IT FAR SOONER!!! AFTER PESTERING U....

[bootyhunter]

[There isn't much that can shake Dandy, not truly, not in the way that this week's trial did. The double and then triple homicides have left him in a particularly sour mood, for as much as the big-haired fellow may rant and rave about how he despises snot-nosed brats, he does feel deeply for them. Dandy can't remember his own father or mother, and it is actually up for debate as to whether he ever had either, but something about the whole ordeal disgusted him.

And it wasn't just the violence.]

I hear he had a wife.

[Which sounds ridiculous, considering the depraved extent of Nolan's cruelty. Dandy hails from a vast and colorful set of multiverses, full of dangerous black holes and ravenous beasts with multi-pronged jowels, but never once has he encountered the kind of vile bastard who would kill his own son. How could you do that sort of thing to to someone you raised yourself? Dandy gets sentimental over dogs and robots... And most sentient beings in general, but he'd rather not let anybody know.]

Two, actually.

Tch. Jackass.

[He raises a well-groomed eyebrow at the other paler, hairier man.]

Why're you in here?

[You know, it'd be a valid, even sensitive question, if he didn't-]

Is it because you're into thrustin' and lustin' after geezers and grandmas?

[fuckingguy]

No, that is not why I am here, you fluffy pervert, [ he says, like it's a matter of course! He chooses to deliver his retort at the exact second he is checking out the deceased's still-made bed and plump, undisturbed pillow. ] Obviously I am checking for weapons or poison or some shit so that nobody can sneak it away for later murder reasons.

[ All evidence indicates that Omni-Man just used his tremendous murder hands, but that doesn't mean he couldn't have a secret weapons cache! The vending machine has been spitting out killing implements like nobody's business. Nandor himself has like three spears leaned up against his bedroom wall.

Not so with today's killer. It's a very Spartan setup in here; the side of the room that belonged to his roommate* looks way more lived-in, and that guy's been dead for way longer. Nandor lifts the pillow, throws the sheets back, finds fuckall nothing, and grumpily wanders over to the desk instead of remaking the bed. ]

Eh, two wives, big fucking deal. [ HONESTLY THOUGH THIS INFORMATION IS KIND OF THE MOST HEARTENING THING HE'S HEARD ALL DAY...... like yes, most of his wives hated him and they left him all at once, but 37 is objectively more than two! Also, one of those two is probably Mark's mother, so at least half of Nolan's wives also leaving him would definitely be in the cards were he not extremely dead. ] And how do you know this?

[ Their incentive this week was literally a threat to their families??? But Nandor didn't have the standard dramatic motive photo this Tuesday, just a huge printout of his DNA test results, so the possibility that Dandy might have stumbled onto Nolan's doesn't enter his mind. ]


*I wanna say this is the Robin Williams character from Flubber but I refuse to read the Flubber wiki page to find out his actual name

[bootyhunter]

[In response to that nickname, Dandy answers with a sing-songy, "nyeh nyeh" tone of a gradeschooler:]

You're the one who dingles his doingle when grandmas start to bend over.

Y'know, 'cause of their bad backs?

[Dandy, don't clock Nandor for that! You've just predicted your own future. Honesty, retirement home Dandy is probably a thing in at least one of his many variations. When asked as to how he acquired that information, Dandy simply ignores Nandor, opening a drawer and rifling through it.]

It's okay. You can just say creaky bones make ya wanna bark at the moon!

Oh, wait, shit, that's... Sorry, what exactly are you again? A zombie? You just... You're so hairy, it seemed like you were one of the bark-barkety types, Nandy-baby.

[Oh no, there she is. He stumbles upon a photo of the antwife. This may as well be one of those cartoon sequences where a man's eyes pop out of his head and physically move all over the picture.]

God, what a babe! Can you believe that bastard could score this hot of a chick? Man, what's with all these jerks and their smokin' ladies! All of these great gals have got such a major thing for grade-A shmucks you'd think it was a disease or somethin'.

[fuckingguy]

You know, it is actually very disrespectful for you to conflate all supernatural people like you are doing? Do not answer that, it was a rhetorical question. [ Blissfully ignorant of the fact that this went without saying, he notes Dandy's AWOOGA reaction and irritatedly growls: ] Give me this!

[ He roughly grabs for the picture, and regardless of his success or failure in getting his hands on it, Nandor gets an eyeful of what is... an ant. There is no mistaking that this is just an ant woman. ]

Eeh... wow.

[ And, like, he's kind of thinking about it? He's not not into it? Still, the mandibles... bit of a dealbreaker. ]

Such dominant genes.

[ You know, because this is definitely Mark's mom! His eyes shift away from antwife momentarily, long enough for him to take sight of another photo. He picks it up and looks at it closely: Nolan, a smaller Mark, and an unfamiliar woman, standing in the kind of brilliant sunlight he hasn't felt for 700 years. Mark's smile is missing a few teeth. His father is mussing his hair. The woman, objectively more attractive than the ant, appears to have been captured mid-laugh. They all look happy. ]

This one must be Mark's mother. [ well at least he got there eventually ] You think it was like a three-way situation, or...?

[bootyhunter]

Hey! You're the one who thinks paper mache is spooky.

[He is referring to Nandor's use of the phrase "creepy paper" to describe crepe paper. Dandy growls, but other than the useless man-noise, he doesn't seem to cling too strongly to the photo.

Now, it's not entirely certain whether Dandy's lack of intelligence is the result of one too many warp sessions, his terrifying black hole of a galaxy brain, or simply being dumb from the very start, but... Anything scientific, especially outside of a scientific context, falls on deaf ears. Therefore, he interprets the phrase "dominant genes" to mean "dominant jeans."]

What? No, no! How could you possibly say that? The fabric's all friggin' wrong!

She'd have to be rockin' leather or PVC to be that kinda broad.

[Poor Debbie. She doesn't deserve this slander or any that's going to follow.]

Oh, you mean the kid who just got his brain slapped outta his skull? Oof.

[Sensitive™.]

Wouldn't he have come out of one hoo-hah? Unless it was more complicated than that...

[oh no he's thinking, dandy, please don't think, there's nothing up there, hence any wheels turning would be ultimately useless-]

You think they pointed their lady parts at each other and started chanting, or whatever? And then the baby just fell out?. Man.

His [*Nolan's] home planet did sound super nutso, soooo... Yeah.

It could happen.