bootyhunter | CALL ME OUT

["When you're important."

Oh, fuck! Right.

Ch'yeah! That's a thing.

Try as he may to boast about his recent promotion to anyone within earshot, Rex knows the truth on the inside. He's often spending his free time doing his best to forget that he's now on the shortlist for all of the planet's most terrifying problems, and in the grand scheme of things, he's no Omni-Man- And he never will be.

Although in light of recent events, that actually may be a good thing.]

Uuuuuh, I'm pretty sure this is obvious as all hell, but manners aren't really my forte.

Also, you texted me a lot. Is that normal? Even when I had a girlfriend, she never wrote me that much.

[Rex hovers awkwardly around her, fidgeting with the latch on his helmet.]

...You're not planning on stayin' the night, are ya?

Actually, come to think of it- Why are you here?

Edited 2022-09-12 04:56 (UTC)

You’re asking me if it’s normal?

[She’s finished with the blankets, and is currently trying to make the pillows fluff perfectly.]

I’m Miss America’s Outstanding Teen! Nothing I do is normal, I’m —- [He’s probably heard her go on this exact little tirade before. Normally she delivers it like it’s a sacred, extremely serious thing. But as time has gone by, it’s changed just a little. It’s slightly more playful, just a little less rigid. She finishes with the pillows, straightening herself just in time to wave her hands at him.]

Outstanding.

It’s just a thing I do. You don’t have to worry about like, replying—- right away. I know you’re busy.

[She grins then, inviting herself to sit in one of the boring beige chairs. She’s still dressed from whatever event she was at, hair and makeup perfect.]

You didn’t show up—- it’s natural, to check on you. To make sure everything’s okay.

You're a pageant queen.

[What Rex doesn't know is that she's right, that it would be natural and or normal to check up on someone after not hearing from them. His natural inclination is to bristle at the prospect of something so kind and seemingly thoughtful on the surface.

She probably just wants to know what it's like to fuck a superhero, or there's at least some inclination of morbid curiousity.

The girl seems weirdly lonely too. Welp! That's not his problem.]

I save people from the kinda buildings that are, oh, you know... Sort of recently on fire?!

That's not the same thing.

[But he is lonely too.]

Call me when you've kept the Lizard League from turnin' every run of the mill doink-face in Lincoln Park into some kinda cold-blooded scaly monstrosity.

[His comments would cause outrage, if it weren't something she'd heard a million times before. But she's used to this kind of thing. So she shrugs, and waves her hand dismissively. He also gets the benefit of having saved her life, so, she'll skip the chewing him out part.]

I never said it was the same thing. You're important. I get it. [Parker rolls her eyes, but doesn't make to get up.] But what I do is important too. Just because I don't have magic powers doesn't mean I don't do important things. When the fire's out, and you're gone? Somebody has to charm creepy rich dudes into emptying their pockets, to pay medical bills or rebuild schools. Somebody has to convince kids that it's going to be okay, after their home gets wrecked, or that they can still feel pretty, after some accident disfigures them.

It's not all pompoms and sparkly dresses. [... But some of it is.]

[She makes a valid point, which surprises him. Rex does his best to try not to let it show other than in a slight rise of his brows and widening of his dark green eyes.

Her presence here reminds him that he is a man of such weak constitution that anyone vaguely feminine in presentation who shows him the faintest smidgeon of concern is somehow a viable prospect. Man, he really dropped the ball when his balls dropped, huh...]

...I guess I never thought of it that way.

[Rex seats himself awkwardly on a beige loveseat a reasonable distance away from her. It's clear from how he's positioned to one side that he isn't particularly comfortable in this space either.]

But, then again? I try not to do too much thinking in general.

[A part of him wants to be hostile, to question her motives further.

But the other is too exhausted, and too lonely.

It's nice to have some company. Kate may have some trouble resisting her physical urges towards him, not that Rex doesn't egg them on, but personally? She isn't particularly fond of him one-hundred percent of the time.]

Uuuuh... FYI? I can't really take my gear off until you get-to-goin', so...

You can leave, liiiiike, whenever, girlfriend.

That's not surprising.

[She didn't expect him to agree with her-- or to do anything other than dismiss her. Maybe he'd try and put her down. That's what most people did-- as much as she was Queen of High School Land, successful in the pageant world, and Captain of the cheer squad-- people still didn't tend to take Parker very seriously. She's never let herself mind.

But there's something about the awkwardness and vulnerability in the way he's sitting over there, that makes her think-- maybe she has minded. Just a little.]

What? Do you guys, like, not do a locker room style thing? I didn't think you'd be so shy. [But, she shrugs. And gets up-- heading to the door--]

I'll be back in like, thirty minutes. You already ruined my plans for tonight, so you're going to have to put up with me for a little while. It's the least you can do.

We do, sure!

[He could stand to sound a little less irritated about that. In Parker's defense, the anger isn't her fault, it's just Rex's general disposition. The words follow each other like little, raspy explosions themselves, and an animated hand gesture follows in suit.]

It's just that if I take off my helmet in front of you, you'd probably be able to identify me in a line-up. Me-me, not just superhero me.

[Even though they are one and the same.

Rex hasn't thought about this extensively, but now that the circumstance has come to light, he winces. What the fuck is Cecil doing, throwing a regular girl into all of this? Rex's suit looks the way it does for a multitude of reasons, mostly because his power set involves a heavy amount of debris and a need for mobility, so goggles and a tracksuit type deal work best.

But on a more personal note, while Rex's powerset sort of makes him uniquely identifiable, he keeps his face hidden and his body covered for a different reason. There is always the chance that one of Radcliffe's old lackeys is out there, waiting to even the score and take him down. And they'd know just exactly how to do it, too.

Which raises the question- Dating a superhero is one thing. If anyone were to go after Eve, she could easily defend herself. But for Parker, what then? The more he ruminates upon it, the more angry he becomes.

She had been seen with him in public. Her face is everywhere.

Whatever it is Cecil is covering up, it's gotta be big. Idly, Rex wonders if Cecil is trying to detract from the recent destruction that Omni-Man caused, but there's no way in hell Rex Splode's personal drama even comes close.]

Which is bad for the both of us.

Invincible may be givin' his friends the deets on the downlow 'cause he's a motherfucking moron, but that's not how the Rex-man operates!

I'm a goddamn professional.

[*also the "Rex-man" doesn't really have any non-super friends to tell that information to but that's neither here nor there]

Oh my god. That's what you're hung up about? I thought you were just scared of changing your clothes in front of me. [She turns, to look him over. She's half sure that if she leaves now, he's going to lock her out for the rest of the night, and then she'll really have no plans.

And Parker Rochford does not do quiet nights alone at home. It feels like an affront to everything she is. ]

I'm a professional, too. Get over yourself.

I'm pretty sure I could already identify you, without your face. Your body language is way too distinct. And if that didn't give you away, your speech pattern would. No one else postures in such a ... [She pauses, to try and find a word to describe him. There isn't a nice way to put it. So she doesn't.] ... Rex-man [THE CONTEMPT IN HER VOICE...] way.

Are you kiddin' me right now? I don't have any reservations about bein' in my birthday suit in front of you.

[His voice carries with an undertone that's almost malicious.]

I'm a fucking superhero, and I've got splodey powers!

I'm hot as shit under this thing!

[He smirks at her clear disdain for his bad attitude and crass turn-of-phrase. That's what he's assuming she means, and it appears as though he's actually proud of himself for a moment.]

You're right about one thing, though- The voice is a dead giveaway.

But haven'tcha noticed? I've never given an interview with audio. There isn't a single recording of me speaking anywhere.

[Not on the internet, anyway. He's traced that shit and gotten it removed, it had actually taken him weeks.]

When hitmen are lookin' for ya, they tend to use photographic references. They always try to stab you in the kidney when you're grabbin' condoms and lube from CVS! Oooh! And hot pockets. Sooooooo many hot pockets.

I don't know, you seem pretty scared of it right now. [She gives a little shrug of her shoulders. She probably shouldn't taunt him, it's not exactly getting her any favors, but-- well. She's Parker! It's what she does! The only time she'd be holding her mouth is if she thought it was putting her in danger, and while this dude does have the capacity to snap her like a twig if he wanted to-- she's pretty confident he won't.]

Is that what you've been living off of? Hot Pockets? Are you like, completely broken out under that thing?

[In direct retaliation to her chiding, Rex pulls the zipper of the top half of his supersuit all the way down in one foul swoop. He shimmies out of it and chucks it messily onto a chair.

His body type isn’t particularly uncommon in this field, and he has no visible scars or tattoos. There aren’t all too many male superheroes with his skin color, but that’s already out there.]

No!

I just happen to like the taste of meat n’ cheese. And bread and shit.

Doesn’t everybody?

[She watches him-- not moving an inch, as she takes in his entire body. And so, begins the most intense game of chicken-- Parker refusing to break or look away, or anything, until--]

[She has to argue with him about this.]

In moderation. You'd never hear me saying so many about Hot Pockets!

[He flashes her a cocky, lop-sided grin.

He's worked hard for this body. A little prolonged eye contact from a pretty girl is the last thing he'd think to turn away from. If anything, he revels in the attention.]

So are you sayin' you like the taste of meat in your mouth?

[He chuckles at the obvious crudeness of the joke.]

C'mon! Be aw-nest.

[*honest butt like

make it more jason mantzoukas boston... u kno???? anyway]

In moderation, of course.

It's not the meat that's the issue! It's all the grease, and the-- [Parker lets out a little huff, catching herself getting actually argumentative about this, and rolling her eyes.]

I don't get looking like this by eating a ton of Hot Pockets. That's what I'm saying. Don't make this into something gross.

[Wow, she is great at dodging horrible questions, and gracefully too... Maybe he does need her help.]

Yeah, but isn't a sweet little cheat meal just so good?

Liiiiike, just the idea of it. Yeah, it's greasy, and, huh, yeah- It's a little gross.

That's the appeal.

[He tilts his head to the side.]

That's why I said in moderation -- [He's exhausting. If she were anyone else, she's positive she'd have walked out by now. At least he's nice to look at.]

I'm not going to deprive myself of junk food, that's ridiculous, but it's called junk food for a reason. It's literally just putting trash in your body.

[Oh, he knows.

Rex hasn't grown up with many privileges thus far, so he uses the very few he does possess right, left, and center.

He's well aware that if it weren't for his striking looks, he'd pretty much be solidly striking out.]

Seems to me like you don't know how to have any fun, Osama Bin-PomPom.

[With an infuriatingly keen smile on his face, he undoes the zipper to the bottom half of his neon tracksuit, exposing the white boxer briefs. In his mind, he is protesting.

Protesting common human decency, probably.]

I'm plenty fun. [Her eyes glance downward, at him messing with the zipper, then immediately dart back to his face. Oh, no. She isn't let him distract her like that. He's still not off the hook.]

You'd know that, if you showed up to more events with me. [And... then she leaves where she's standing by the door, and returns back to the chair she was in before.]

I was going to get you dinner. But since you're being so... [madlibs a rude adjective here!] ... I'll have to just stay here. And regale you with tales of how fun I am.

What?

[She's finally managed to crack the paper-thin shell of his buffoonish bluster, and for a moment, the metaphorical backing track of circus music slows to a sharp halt.

His brows furrow and his nose crinkles, but not in disdain like usual. Instead, he seems legitimately confused. Seconds pass as he tries to make sense of things.]

Why?

[Rex lets out a snort. The following dialogue is his attempt at keeping his cool, but he's failing miserably.]

I haven't even taken my pants off yet.

[Meaning that he hasn't done anything for her, not in his mind. Saving lives is his job, and it's how he earns his keep.

Or, well, it's what keeps him out of jail. His proximity to constantly being six feet under is ironically what allows for him to continue walking, breathing, and unfortunately talking like that.]

[Parker scoffs, bending to unbuckle the delicate clasp on her heels, so can take it off, gentle instead of kicking it off in a messy heap.]

Or your helmet. Or do you keep that on, when you’re trying to sleep with a girl?

[Her voice is dry, but when she peers back up at him? There’s a hint of a smile.]

Why do you have such an issue thinking someone might want to do something nice for you?

Well, no, but...

The girls I've slept with are also my coworkers, so they've already seen me without the...

[He gestures to his face, despising the hint of melancholy that's not-so-subtly setting in. It's easier to keep from being combative with Parker, in a way, because she too maintains a fiery sort of intensity. While it may be different than his own, it makes her a little more relatable.

Mostly because it's unpleasant.]

Aye-yai-yai, I don't owe you that sob story!

It's long. And sad, okay?

Nice?! "Nice" is bullshit.

[Here, he uses the finger quotation marks for emphasis.]

Most people aren't nice! They're just bein' nice because they want something from you!

How do I know you're not some sort of sleeper agent, huh? Someone who knows exactly how much arsenic it takes to kill me, since it's not even twice the regular amount!

[cue an awkward dead silence]

...Actually, I do know the answer to that one, mostly on account of... Well, I kinda-sorta bugged your phone because your fancy teeth looked suspicious to me? Uh...

Edited 2022-09-13 01:30 (UTC)

[Parker pauses. Runs her tongue across those fancy teeth. Offers him a dazzling smile.]

You think I’d know that kind of thing? [Shes kind of charmed. Then… she starts to laugh.]

What—- What kind of bug? Not the audio kind, right? Because if it was, you must have sat through a lot of dressing room gossip.

No, yeah, audio... But I filter for a few specific things, or anything that sounds like it could be code-word jargon?

[He looks like he doesn't want to get into it, but somehow, her truly insane reaction to ALL of that seems to warrant an explanation. She's not freaking out. Why is she not freaking out?]

If anybody were to send someone after me, a pretty girl would probably be their best bet. You're young and shit, but I've known operatives who were significantly younger, so...

[He's mostly referring to himself.]

It wouldn't be off the table, not entirely.

Edited 2022-09-13 01:47 (UTC)

[She’s not mad. In fact, she looks oddly pleased with herself, as she takes off the other shoe and sets them down carefully.]

Maybe it’ll be a second career. After I win Miss America properly, of course. I’m impressed you think I have the time.

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cw: um... offensive, i dont even know, who is reading this

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