an ass man (butt also, just an ass) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bootyhunter) wrote2022-02-07 12:30 pm
bootyhunter) wrote2022-02-07 12:30 pm
Entry tags:
CALL ME OUT
Currently writing Dandy (Space Dandy) / Rex Splode (Invincible) / and Simon Laurent (Infinity Train)
bootyhunter / himbomb / incelligent*Note: Sakamoto Tatsuma (Gintama)
kaihentai and Asher Millstone (How to Get Away With Murder) moneyballer available on requestAlso voicetesting Mike Wazowski (Monsters Inc)
googlybear / Eddy (Ed, Edd, n' Eddy) edboy / Reagan Ridley (Inside Job) madcryentist / Abdul Ali (Squid Game) aitbaar / Portia Davenport (Search Party) portialain / Elliot Goss (Search Party) confabulous / Fleabag (Fleabag) feminitwit / Johnny Bravo (Johny Bravo) pretteh / and Joel Hammond (Santa Clarita Diet) screechy
no subject
i see, i think i get it now
you are one of those men aren't you
the silly jackoffs who are like oh!!!! i will only use ONE product for my hair, face, AND body
[He says this, despite the fact that the message that follows is simply a link to a credible list of body lotions recommended by dermatologists, all of them unscented and some of them including more high impact ingredients like retinol. Very few are fancy or expensive, with the vast majority being drugstore brands.]
and then you have the audacity to go shitting around and say "hah? why is my ballsack itchy today?" oOOOOhHHH!!! (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧ I dUnNo
[The note about love makes his heart sink. Ugh, he should probably stop and get out of this bath, especially because Flambae's skin is getting all prune-y.]
what part of them did you like?
the pictures
you didn't say
i'm pretty sure you can see my balls in at least one of them
is that your favorite? c'mon c'mon
no subject
Okay. Thanks for the advice.
[ Most of it means very little to him, but hey maybe he'll go check out the nearest CVS after work sometime. He probably won't, he needs a lot more to get him to actually start taking that kind of care of himself, but the thought is nice right. ]
And the concern for my balls.
[ Because if Flambae is going to be weird about it, then Robert will just send it right back. Though he is regretting saying that he liked the pics a little. Why does he keep making decisions like this that he knows will get him a stupid response? Ah well. Somehow he manages to sigh and smile fondly as he types at the same time. ]
Speaking of, what's up with you and balls anyway, you weird fuck? Why would that be my favorite? I think that's YOUR favorite part. Maybe you can find out sometime what I like. Does that even remotely interest you or is fucking around in your DMs like this enough to get you off
no subject
is it such a crime?
to want to know what actually interests you about me
you fucking jerk
[And then, after finally getting up out of the water and drying himself off-]
do you think we will see each other tomorrow
[Flambae doesn't dignify that with a question mark because he's mad...]
if you have some sort of schoolboy crush on me, tell me to my flawless fucking face
i promise not to
er
immediately incinerate you
i think
because i will remember this conversation
no subject
[ damn he didn't know Flambae was actually that sensitive about something like that. Is Robert the bad guy now? ]
A lot of things about you interest me. But I guess you mean the physical stuff? For one thing, you're tall, muscular. Even that missing tooth of yours is oddly charming.
[ Yeah okay he knows that that is kind of his fault (It's really Flambae's but he helped), and the missing fingers are his fault, and he has some feelings about that. But what's more surprising than any of that is how he's come to care about this actual idiot. How he finds his eyes trailing over to him more often than they used to. How teasing the hell out of him makes him feel a lot of other things besides smug.
Ugh, but that's so ...
Well, they can talk about it later if it comes up. ]
You'll see me soon. And not incinerating me is greatly appreciated.
Sleep well.
[ Brother he is logging OFF and thinking about his life choices while he sleeps in his shitty chair. ]
I do not even have the icon made to express how goddamn insane he is feeling
Oh, he’s one of the vainest creatures to ever exist, right up there between peacocks and fucking Narcissus, but the implication that someone who is almost certainly fucking Robert is interested in him for more than just his looks is going to drive him crazier than any other dirty, nasty message he gets tonight on this stupid application. Who else would have the gall, the sheer audacity, to mention an insecurity so innocently as something cute?!?!?!?! ROBERT COULD POSSIBLY NOT BE STRAIGHT?!?!?!?! Has that gremlin in a headset actually been staring at his ass the whole time like he has (maybe not so secretly) been hoping… The floodgates have been opened.
Sure he gets sleep, a little- But it is not at all comfortable. He decides to fly the fuck to work today since his car is in the shop, and for once, he beelines to the lockers, rushing past all his coworkers and trying to desperately avoid conversation.
Flambae is not one to usually set up shop at work. His hair has to be perfect and any subtle alterations or cleaning of the suit are done each night personally, with the exception of weekends, where he actually gets that shit properly drycleaned. If he ever showers at work, it’s only to get blood and grime and the stench of crime fighting off of him, especially since the chlorine makes his naturally wavy hair frizzy. If he wanted to time travel back to the seventies, there are underground supervillain channels for that.
So while his coworkers are showering or changing, he is staring into the abyss of his fairly empty locker like a freak, hoping this will all blow over. What if he’s wrong? What if the guy from last night isn’t Robert and just some rando barista who sounds like him?
For whatever reason, the last thought really stings. After months of feeling like he had no fucking chance with the man, Flambae had finally gotten his hopes up.]
he deserves to feel a little insane
Somehow he managed to reflect enough on things like that in his uncomfortable plastic chair and he's in something of a good mood when he arrives at SDN the next day. He feels even a little...optimistic? Like maybe he won't be incinerated before lunch.
Speak of the devil, he walks into the locker room to find Flambae just ... well, he's staring like an idiot into nothing and Robert has to bring a hand up over his mouth to stop himself from grinning or letting out a laugh. Rough night for him, apparently. Good. It means their conversation had at least some sort of effect beyond their normal "I hate you" back and forths. ]
Morning. [ He tries with some tactful caution, pausing nearby Flambae on the way to his own locker. ]
Slow start?
after all the havoc he’s wreaked yes he does
Like a cartoon villain from a different era entirely, Flambae does a slow turn as he intimidatingly glowers at Robert. He says nothing at first, wanting to win at the game of silent eye-chicken for a few seconds before entertaining Mecha-dick with any cohesive kind of response.]
Yes.
[How the hell did he miss it? It was the lack of the voice and that infuriating holier-than-thou tone. Another unfamiliar element was feeling like he had finally had the upper hand in a conversation between the two of them…
God, those pictures were such a fucking shame. Robert’s eyes are not a remarkable color, but they are pretty. Something about the round shape and kindness to them.
The freckles over his nose and cheeks only make everything worse.]
How can I…
[He lets out a slow growl. Flambae’s nostrils are flaring like a bull’s, and the comic contrast between sheer rage and polite verbiage are laughable tbh.]
Help you, Bobby-boy?
[he is summoning all his core strength rn bc that is what it is taking not to say bitch]
no subject
Looks to me like you're the one who needs help.
[ He answers after a moment to collect his thoughts, trying to hide the heavy breath that he lets out, like it's all the nerves bundled up in his chest.
This is important. On many levels. One, because he's serious about seeing where this goes. Two, because his life is literally on the line.
He walks over to a locker. Even though he appears not to wear clothing like a normal person and just showed up in his work clothes, there's a little time for a workout before dispatching gets started. So maybe he's changing into his gym clothes. He pauses though, running over things in his mind briefly before he just... goes for it.
Flambae probably knows it's him, just judging by the way he's been acting. So it makes sense not to drag it on. That would just be a little fucked up. So ... ]
Listening to any Rihanna lately?
no subject
[An absolute lie.
Flambae was listening to SZA’s most recent deluxe album while he was having trouble sleeping. Something about their closeness in age and the humiliating vulnerability of being imperfect and attracted to elements of danger in relationships really hits home with him.
Oh well, at least he knows Rihanna’s discography pretty well by now.]
I was just thinking about how we, super heroes, can do nothing to stop the crime that miss Rihanna has committed against the general public by never making any music after that banger of a last album. I mean, honestly, what the fuck?
[He slams the door of his locker shut, and saunters over to Robert, closing his eyes and turning his nose to the sky. As much as he pretends that jab referring to his potential status as a hot mess does not sting, his fury is evident.]
Whatever. I wish BadGal RiRi, that gorgeous man of hers, and her two very beautiful babies a fabulous life together.
[That is probably the nicest thing he has ever said about anybody between these walls and it is a comment about a billionaire that he has never met, smh.
Flambae leans one shoulder against the wall near Robert, looking him up and down but not as obviously as a certain invisible pottymouth. He puffs out his chest and fiddles a little with his hair before making direct eye contact, those bright orange eyes of razor focused. They are close enough for the tiny flames burning within them to be evident.
For once, they don’t seem angry. His thin lips and steady brows are bitchily nonchalant as ever, but the nervous excitement in that look of his is a dead giveaway.
He keeps his voice cool and monotone.]
You got anything else you wanna say to me?
no subject
As he's thinking over these things, the other man is just going on about Rihanna something or other, shit that Robert doesn't actually know or care about. Did Mecha Man need to jump in and save her at some point? No? Then he's uninvolved. But he does give some little hums of acknowledgment like he's at least sort of paying attention. It's the acknowledgment that matters.
Only when he sees movement does he turn a bit to face Flambae as the guy leans up against the wall. Yes, he can practically feel the flames in those eyes let alone see them. It feels like there's something hard (not that) in his throat that he needs to swallow down (again, not that). He has nerves of his own, but he likes to think he's mastered the art of keeping people guessing with listless expressions.
And yes, he is stuck staring at Flambae's chest when he breaks eye contact but that's because everyone at SDN is way too fucking large and that happens to be where his line of sight is. And also because he did say he liked the muscles. ]
That depends. Are you going to get the hint? [ His lip curls up a little in something of a challenging scowl. But it softens much, much quicker than it normally would have. He told himself he wasn't going to string Flambae along. So he'll continue. ] You know my initials are R.R. and the Roman numeral 3 right. Everyone knows this. I just —
Yeah, okay. That was me.
[ He feels defeated and terrified and triumphant at the same time. It's fucking weird. But now he's deliberately not moving his eyes away from Flambae's chest. Those flames could be roaring by now and he'd rather they just take him out quickly than give him time to see it coming. ]
no subject
[it is actually very cute he wants to pick him up and squeeze him but then also set him on fire]
How was I supposed to know you were into dudes?
[Seeing Robert so strung out and down on his lucks sucks actually.
Flambae can’t even look at him, when only a few months ago, he probably would’ve reveled in his misery.]
I’ve never seen you at a gay bar. That and your, eh, whole…
[He gestures to Robert’s gym outfit.]
Basic sad bitch vibe is very unfabulous, but~!
Who knows, maybe you clean up nicely at dinner or something.
[what a fucking tsundere]
Look, I’m asking you out because I don’t want to watch you cry into your lukewarm chicken noodle soup or whatever the fuck you’ve been eating lately.
It’s disgusting, and your snotty tears would only make that shitty scene even more miserable, for me specifically…
[He shouldn’t insult him further but he can’t resist-]
How long has it been since you’ve had someone cook for you?
no subject
You've never seen me anywhere outside of work because [ because he only ever worked until recently. Because they were on opposite sides until recently. ] — because we weren't exactly part of the same social circles.
[ That's a really logical answer when Robert feels anything but. He's still kind of nervous, but he feels relieved too, that it's out in the open now. There's a third emotion in it though and that's that he's indignant. He confessed and what does he get, a bunch of insults about his crummy little life? He'd almost rather be set on fire. ]
Okay, fuck off already. [ he slaps his locker shut. The gym outfit definitely isn't happening now. It's SDN uniform all the way. And he's about to launch into a "ACTUALLY, I AM NORMAL" speech when a realization blindsides him again and suddenly everything makes even less sense than it did before. Which is wild, because it made zero sense. ]
Is that — you're asking me out. Like that. Wow, how attractive, I'm swooning right now Flambae, really.
[ And yet. A smile is just barely tugging on the corner of his lips.
Maybe they're both intellect 1 actually. ]
I accept. Good luck getting through the shift with that on your mind.
[ And he starts... to walk away??? ]
this is a shakespearean comedy where both tsunderes want to be wooed bu
[Oh, there's no way in hell he is letting Mechadick get in the last barb.
Flambae reaches out to grab Robert's arm, although he stops himself mid-stretch. What if he hurts him? He'll only muddle the circumstances more. God, so he wasn't crazy for thinking their banter had gotten flirtier from Robert's side ever since the whole Shroud fiasco, no!!! There are too many thoughts on his mind right now, so he will simply continue to scream-]
I do not have your number, or any of your allergies, so if you think whatever the fuck I end up making was meant to kill you, just KNOW-
[not him snarling like some carnivorous mammal again]
That if I ever wanted to do that, I would do it with my bare hands, like a reaaaaal man!
[please do not witness how embarrassing it is that he is literally running after robbo but... he has to get in this last bit of information-]
If you are free tomorrow after work, I will pick you up at your dinky little Robert-sized hole [he means apartment] and walk you.
[The interior decorating in his apartment is immaculate, but his neighborhood is not the nicest. It's not exactly safe, especially if Robert is planning on walking around without the suit. In spite of Flambae's vicious behavior, he does not want his
infuriatingly handsomedispatcher accruing an even larger number of scars on his body.]shakespearean tragicomedy
Okay. Nevermind. Fuck. [ just yelling back and forth isn't going to really do anything or prove anything at all. And it's infuriating how weirdly sweet it is that Flambae's just asking him about his allergies in the middle of all the shit bubbling out of his mouth. He really is going to cook for Robert isn't he? Seriously, no one's ever done that.
The urge to insist he can walk himself or take a cab is strong, but he can also see that this is a ... gesture. So he'll make one too. ]
Wait just a minute.
[ And he's scurrying off before Flambae can stop him with his hands or words or anything else. True to his word though he's back immediately with a pen in his hand. He reaches for Flambae's and scrapes his number onto his palm with the ink. ]
"Robert-sized hole" isn't coming off the way you want it to, by the way. [ with his handiwork complete, he steps back. And smiles. ] Tomorrow it is.
no subject
There's so many feelings he's denied or buried for the sake of his own fragile ego, and yet he can't help but continue to fuck up his lovelife or let the wrong idiots from the club into his heart or his home, so why not gamble with the highest stakes possible.
Robert's fingers are rough as to be expected. Why is it that despite that, it seems so easy for him to be kind when he's trying? God, it makes the loss of fingers to him that much more embarrassing.
The joke gets a wry chuckle out of him, because, hey, that was funny.
Flambae pulls his hand back, flashing one of those trademark wicked smiles. This time, he does look pleased. Still sneering (but with.... delight??? how does one describe this), he lets out a:]
Cool! I'll see you later.
[Also because he's a fucking asshole-]
You better look nice.