CALL ME OUT

[bootyhunter]

CALL ME OUT:

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Currently writing Dandy (Space Dandy) / Rex Splode (Invincible) / and Simon Laurent (Infinity Train)

bootyhunter / himbomb / incelligent



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*Note: Sakamoto Tatsuma (Gintama) kaihentai and Asher Millstone (How to Get Away With Murder) moneyballer available on request



Also voicetesting Mike Wazowski (Monsters Inc) googlybear / Eddy (Ed, Edd, n' Eddy) edboy / Reagan Ridley (Inside Job) madcryentist / Abdul Ali (Squid Game) aitbaar / Portia Davenport (Search Party) portialain / Elliot Goss (Search Party) confabulous / Fleabag (Fleabag) feminitwit / Johnny Bravo (Johny Bravo) pretteh / and Joel Hammond (Santa Clarita Diet) screechy

Comments

[bountyhead]

[ touch was an anchor and she’s been adrift for too long.

she feels intangible, lost forever by her own reluctance to let people in. it’s moments like this that remind her that she’s real; keeps her grounded, in one place. fingers entwined like they were lovers or good friends, not just a couple of uninvolved strangers provisionally passing through each other's lives. she can pretend it means something. that she wasn’t on her way to being alone once more. no one will ever know there’s a flutter in her chest at the idea that she won’t see him again—convinced that it’s won’t and not might.

there's something mysteriously kind about his eyes. she looks up at him for what feels like a very long time. a minute, at most. all the noise and excitement around them dies away when she manages to focus, instilling a sort of interim quietude. it only lasts for so long before the room starts to spin again. thinking she can stop it, faye gives dandy’s hand a squeeze and uses it to pull herself back up, their bodies nearly collide as she recovers her balance. close and yet not close enough, she almost gives in to the press of his body. the warmth inviting her to linger. one second… two seconds… three…

suddenly, her knees buckle. she manages to catch herself but not without instinctively using both hands to latch onto him. it makes her sincerely laugh for the first time all night. ]

You know what, that piggyback ride doesn't sound half-bad... you sure you can carry me okay?

[bootyhunter]

[He's not shy with his hands, which latch around her waist the second she presses against him. Dandy pulls Faye in not with the intention to seduce but to steady, although once again he's so casual about it that several mistakes could be made. He chuckles at her goofy stumbling, some of the foolhardy bravado from earlier this evening giving way to an air of quiet sincerity. You'd think after his less than impeccable behavior that all the bumping and grinding would lead him to make a lewd remark or take an impure opportunity, and yet oddly enough, the thought doesn't even cross his mind.

Or well, make it to the forefront.]

Hell yeah! You're tiny. Give me a sec, let me scooch on outta here.

[He's so reluctant to move away from her that detaching himself is a slow process, especially now that he's had a chance to gaze into her striking green eyes, amused by the silly, boozy gloss they've got over them. Once he's managed to squeeze himself out of the seat, Dandy circles the table and squats to the other side of her.

It takes an awful lot of concentration to keep from wobbling since he's had a few drinks himself, but hey. He's just brazen (read: stupid) enough to think that he can pull it off.]

Tah-dahhhhhh! Hop on, baby. And, oh- You've gotta point me in the direction of your ship! I have no friggin' clue where that thing's parked.

[bountyhead]

[ to be fair, neither does she, but that isn’t obvious to her right away.

faye won’t hesitate to throw her arms around dandy’s neck and climb on—surprisingly effortless in spite of their current state. she hikes her legs up his sides and relaxes her weight against his back, intending to be as comfortable as possible while he hauls her out of there. though there is a slight timidness she experiences, assuming they're drawing attention to themselves when in truth no one is paying them much mind at all. well, except maybe for the few waitresses that are ‘awww’-ing at them from afar.

reflexively, she hugs onto him a little tighter. time to leave this place and never come back again?? her, anyway. we all know dandy will be back. he gets them outside and faye takes a second to look around and that's when she recognizes absolutely nothing. which comes as a problem because now she's unable to issue proper directions. ]

I think it might be that way—

[ she points one way but quickly rescinds. ]

—wait. No, that way.

[ now she points in the completely opposite direction. zero certainty behind her words. ]

Shit. I... can't remember.

[ the booze is hindering her memory but it still bothers her not being able to remember. she drops her head onto dandy's shoulder with a defeated sigh. then, a soft mumble into his back. ]

You can just leave me here. I'll find my way.

[bootyhunter]

You've gotta be kiddin' me!

[Dandy turns right, and then comically, left as per her directions, but it's to no avail. Thankfully, he's too preoccupied by the task at hand to think hard about how she's leaning against him, and that months and maybe years will pass before he ever gets to experience anything like this again.]

You're so trashed somebody'd throw their empty candy wrappers right on top of ya.

There's no way I'm leavin' you here all by your lonesome. That just isn't the Dandy thing to do, baby!

[He sighs, stopping in place but not dropping her or losing his newfound... Determination? We don't know, we aren't sure.]

Okay, let's backy-track-track-a-rooney here. So, you've got a spaceship. Well, is it shaped funny? Oh man! That's not even a helpful detail, since so many ships come out lookin' like... Well, the kind of thing some folks like to take another kind of ride on late at night.

[Dandy's eyes widen after a prolonged silence, and he gasps, seemingly coming to the kind of conclusion that would resemble some sort of enlightenment.]

Whoaaaaaa.

What if those ships are shaped like dingleberries, meatsacks, and fleshy-flower holes 'cause the mad scientists who designed them are all horny as ever? I mean, ya spend all that time locked up in a lab with a bunch of other nerdy uglies, and you'd start thinkin' about nothin' but bumpin' 'em.

[DANDY!!!!!!!]

It'd make a damn load of sense, if ya ask me.

[Nobody asked.]

Well, you said there were other knuckleheads on your ship. Can you call any of them? You got one of these?

[He flashes his handy-dandy multipurpose bracelet.]

[bountyhead]

[ faye doesn’t even argue. there’s not enough fight in her. she lazily rubs her nose into his jacket, breathing in smells that weren’t exactly unpleasant but ones she couldn’t name. paired with dandy’s warmth, she finds herself strangely comforted, to the point of closing her eyes and drifting out of consciousness. but something tells her not to, keeps her aware. she lifts her head at dandy’s incessant rambling and stares into the back of his head.

this was a good opportunity to study the structure of his hair. it really does amaze her. she wonders how much gel and/or hairspray was needed to achieve such volume. was it just a helmet of hair then? her boozy wonderment inspires her to reach out and touch it. only her hand stops before she could feel it. having managed to tune him out, the timing is terrible when her attention eventually returns. ]

My ship is not shaped like a dingleberry or fleshy flower hole… it’s, uh. It's a unique shape. Nothing weird or gross like that.

[ none of this helps anything, faye. you know what else doesn’t help? ]

Dammit, I think I left the telecommunicator on my craft…

[ the only way to reach the bebop is by inputting coordinates that she definitely doesn’t have memorized but her communicator is programmed to have saved. ]

Wait, why would I want to call those jerks anyway? They wouldn’t come for me unless it meant I was paying them to do it. As if I owe them all the favors in the world or something. Ugh!

[ what a great impression dandy has of those two. ]

See? Might as well leave me to become a trashcan.

[bootyhunter]

[He turns to look at her, arching his neck back so that he's peering over his shoulder. Faye's face, yes, her beautiful drunken visage, morphs into a dark, shadowy figure with similarly rouged lips. She has flowers in her hair, and she once clung to Dandy in the same position, but he can't remember what she looked like. Only that it felt similar when she held him, and that they were happy- For a time. His ears are flooded with the faint sound of muffled laughter, his own mixing in with hers, and the sensation of grass and dirt beneath their bare feet. The atmosphere was simpler, so very long ago, it was probably several decades before the last time he warped.

He lost her. He lost her, he lost her.

The information hits him like a runaway car from a loaded freight, suddenly and painfully, all at once.

Dandy squints, closing one eye, turning to look forward once more.]

Nuuuuuuuh-ope! Nope, nope, nope. No can do! I know what people put in those, and none of it smells any good.

[DANDY?! WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU IMPLYING... we all know what kind of magazines you read and what tools u use 2 enjoy them!!!! (kleenex)]

Alright! Well then, I guess that leaves us no choice.

We're goin' back to the Aloha Oe.

[Dandy, by virtue of being a stupid man, doesn't understand the implications of his words, which come off gruffly. He by no means is suggesting anything lewd. The image he has in his own head involve setting Faye safely down on the couch and letting her nap until she feels sober enough to get home.]

You'll just have to deal with the peanut gallery.

[He growls softly. They've literally never seen him bring a girl home before, of that he is certain.]

Sorry 'bout the dolts in advance.

[bountyhead]

Can’t be as bad as the idiots I deal with—well, Ed isn’t really an idiot. She’s some kind of kid genius hacker or whatever but she does some... questionable things. More of a weirdo than an idiot, I guess.

[ there’s an unmistakable note of warmth in her voice. ]

Anyway… the boys are the dummies, including the dog.

[ which still remains even while she speaks unkindly of them. of course, faye is without the appropriate cognizance to catch it; in her mind, she sounds unattached, is unattached in all other manners of being. unlike the way she hugs onto dandy right now. a momentary anchor. the world starts to spin and faye drops her head back onto his shoulder, eyes closing again, voice just a tad bit more muffled than before. ]

Sounds like you have your own band of weirdos. How many people [ "people" ] do you live with? I know there’s the cat… [ "cat" ]

i wish i could say this is the worst tag i have ever written but there are so much worse

[bootyhunter]

You had a daughter?

[DANDY NO!!!! THAT IS CERTAINLY NOT WHAT SHE MEANT-]

Whoa.

[He looks significantly spooked, but not disgusted, nothing like that.]

Eh! I guess a hot girl is still a hot girl... Even when she's got a baby inside of her. But the real question is, does your butt get any bigger? That's what I wanna know.

[...Of course it is.

As they trudge forward through the darkness, Dandy thinks he can see the yellow paint of the Aloha in the distance. He's trying not to think too hard about the adorable way she burrows into his shoulder like some fluffy animal. Wow, this is definitely more endearing than when Meow does it.]

I don't live with any other people. Mmmm, no human beings, anyway! Just a naggy bucket o' bolts and a smelly ol' furball. So... The ship smells like pussy sometimes? But the kind of pussy that coughs up its own hair and eats way too much canned tuna, blech.

[bountyhead]

[ jesus christ dandy WHY DO YOU TALK LIKE THAT???

her eyes snap open, brows furrowing in mild agitation. ]

No! She's not mine. Just some kid that hacked into the ship and managed to weasel her way on.

[ uh, no, you made her a promise that she could be apart of the crew and then tried to bail on her last minute. ]

I'm not really the motherly type.

[ CLEARLY. perhaps past!faye felt differently but kids are not even a blip on present!faye's radar. that's just extra weight dragging her down and she needs to stay as unrestrained as possible. ]

So your roomies are an animal and [ 'bucket of bolts' ] some kind of machine? [ she's just trying to understand him right... ] And they help you hunt for alien species?

[bootyhunter]

Well! That's great news, 'cause rugrats are the worst!

And they're the last sentient lifeforms I ever want callin' me Space Daddy.

[He's lucky that Faye's eyes are all that are snapping open... And that her hands aren't just snapping his neck.]

Yes-sir-ree! Bingo, bango, boing-boing-boing.

[Unfortunately, the onomatopoeia and it circling back to a topic that's seemingly always at the forefront of Dandy's brain has led him to make a familiar... Double-handed grabby gesture. Gross.

Upon approaching the Aloha Oe, Faye might be able to note that the ship is bright in color and therefore a lot less dreary than the Bebop, its doors opening to a well-lit and comfortable common space, complete with a lush, currently thriving house plant. Sure, the teleporters take forever, and there's probably a nudie mag stuck under one of the cushions in the circular seating area, but QT made sure to do a thorough once-over of the place prior to plugging himself into his battery pod for the night. It just so happens that, hilariously, by some miracle of time, Meow and the talking vacuum are not quite awake yet.

Or, well, they weren't.

QT peeks his head out of his room, not moving fully into the light, seeing as he is still partially plugged into his charger.

"Dandy, Dandy! Is that a new rare alien you're carrying on your back? Should we take it to the registration center?"]

Can it, you sentient sucky-sucker! [get it, bc he is a vacuum??? ok] Can't you see I'm on a date?

[Dandy squints at his so-called comrade.]

Ugh! I can see your half-empty battery signal from here! Go back into your room and charge some more before you almost get us all killed! We can't have you short circuiting again.

[The pompadoured pinhead hops into the circle of plushy butt holders, crouching down to the lowest level so that Faye is able to unmount him and collapse against a more comfortable surface. That is, if she so wishes.]

Hey, Faye. It's time to get off this very pretty ride, baby! Chop chop. Or, flop flop. Onto the couch.

Y'know!

[bountyhead]

[ faye was expecting... well, the truth is, faye doesn't really know what she was expecting but it definitely was not this. compared to the hunk o' junk that was the bebop, the aloha oe is a shining beacon full of space, a brighter atmosphere, and a huge ass plant that very briefly draws jet to mind. ]

Wow... this is your ship?

[ a question that gets drowned out by dandy—she doesn't even register who or what was talking to him, too busy scoping the area and getting acquainted with it as best as her tipsy mind could. that's just before he randomly jumps into the circled seating area, which catches her by surprise to the point of an audible eep! and while hitching a ride on dandy's back hasn't been so uncomfortable, faye doesn't delay in sliding off of him and onto the couch. the cushions immediately feel nice against her skin. ]

So soft...

[ she's kind of just talking to herself while petting the fabric. someone clearly needs to go to bed. but then she looks up to see dandy standing there, her once tired eyes now suddenly widening as behind him is the biggest tv screen she's ever seen. ]

Is that... is that your TV?!

i'm sorry for replying so quickly, i am thirsty, pls disregard

[bootyhunter]

[Dandy takes note of Faye's bewildered expression, plopping himself down on the couch next to her. He's warped so many times in this thing, he wouldn't be able to say where and how he got his brightly colored space vehicle, but boy oh boy, is he proud of it. If he ever steps foot on the Bebop, his first comment will probably be something about how much of a dreary dump it happens to be. Jet, however, does not have a meticulous little robot scrubbing the floors twice or thrice daily.]

Oh, hell to the yeah! Ain't she a beaut?

[It should be noted that some autotuned groaning can be heard as QT slinks back inside his impeccably well-kept living space.

The pyonium-based lifeform's gaze follows the honky tonk woman's, and he wraps a lanky arm over the back of the seat rest.]

Yup! Speakin' of which, I don't think we've watched anything on it for a while. A big ruckus tends to break out when we try pickin' out movies- The three of us can't ever seem to agree on what we wanna watch!

[He says that as if he isn't one of the main contributors to this issue...]

Meow likes his dirty pictures, but I prefer the real thing, baby! Shit! If you try to slap an ass on video, that thing's just gonna be as flat as they thought the Earth was back in the old days.

I'm a sucker for action flicks, 'specially the ones with hot chicks and a whole lotta kung-fu. Hoo-hah!

[insert a very unfortunate set of karate chops here rip]

QT likes the home appliance channel. Like, uh, all of the ones for moms and rich housewives? He tries to act so dang cool about it, but it's obvious that he's got the hots for them girly kitchen bots. You know I caught him tryin' to send a love letter to a snickerdoodle toaster one time? The guy may be made of metal, but you can't say he doesn't believe in L-O-V-E, baby.

[He begins to shrug off that signature bomber jacket of his before holding it out to Faye.]

You look like you're about to give birth to a food baby.

[Meaning: She appears tired enough to send that egg sando of hers crowning from a difficult spot... fuck is that really a better explanation????]

Sorry, I don't think we got any extra blankets, so this is the next best thing. As for a pillow, you could use Meow's furry butt, but I've got a feeling that this morning? It's gonna be rank! Showers are that puss's worst enemy.

NEVER BE SORRY!!!

[bountyhead]

[ faye just stares at dandy for a moment because she's not 100% sure she heard him right. ]

Your cat likes to watch porn?

[ it's not a question she wants an actual answer to and her tone reflects how weird she finds that, but apparently not weird enough that she cares to outright know? the answer is yes either way. she tilts her attention back to the screen. ]

I'll watch an action flick if it means the hot chick kicks some butt.

[ she sleepily winks at him because she, too, is a hot chick who kicks butt. ha-ha. ]

Then again, I'll watch anything that's interesting enough.... except romance flicks. Those are almost always a snoozefest.

[ something something unrealistic standards.

funnily enough, here's dandy handing over his jacket which could be romantic in the right context??? she drapes it over her shoulders without question. it's big on her but it's also warm and kind of comfy. ]

Gross. The last thing I need is to wake up with a cat's ass in my face. I already have to deal with the dog's stinky bathroom trips. I'll pass.

[ faye wrinkles her nose and closes her eyes, sleep tugging at her more strongly than ever now. she sinks deeper into the couch and eventually finds herself leaning into dandy's side. her head drops to rest on his shoulder. ]

Sorry but I'm feeling really tired all of a sudden...

Can you stay here until I fall asleep?

[bootyhunter]

[Dandy makes himself comfortable while Faye mumbles and does the same, feeling the dregs of exhaustion finally willing his eyelids shut after a night of nuisances and a nearly-missed nutting.]

Uh-huh. He's also a ramen snob. Couldn't tell ya what's wrong with the instant stuff, but get that geek grindin' his gears about it and he'll start goin' off! Picky rat-chasing cat bastard!*

[He parts his lips to launch into yet another tirade about his feline companion, saved from a paw to the face by the fact that Meow almost always sleeps in, only to be surprised when Faye rests her head on his shoulder. She's drunk and has just had her first fill of food in what can only be described as too damn long, and even a glass half-full bastard** like Dandy knows better than to get his hopes up about it. So why, then, does he feel an odd burst of something light in the pit of his stomach? He's far too old and studly to be catchin' a case of the butterflies (Dandy's words, not mine).]

Sure. Yeah! Okay.

[Drowsily, he tilts his head slightly, nose catching a whiff of a strong odor and a tuft of dark, purplish hair.]

You smell like an ashtray.

[*have we ever seen meow chasing any rats???

**he's a glass half-full kinda guy, but he's also the guy who yells at the bartender about a "weird stain" on the inside of the glass, all the while lying out of his ass so he can get the drink for free]

An ashtray that got thrown up on in a bar...