an ass man (butt also, just an ass) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bootyhunter) wrote2022-02-07 12:30 pm
bootyhunter) wrote2022-02-07 12:30 pm
Entry tags:
CALL ME OUT
Currently writing Dandy (Space Dandy) / Rex Splode (Invincible) / and Simon Laurent (Infinity Train)
bootyhunter / himbomb / incelligent*Note: Sakamoto Tatsuma (Gintama)
kaihentai and Asher Millstone (How to Get Away With Murder) moneyballer available on requestAlso voicetesting Mike Wazowski (Monsters Inc)
googlybear / Eddy (Ed, Edd, n' Eddy) edboy / Reagan Ridley (Inside Job) madcryentist / Abdul Ali (Squid Game) aitbaar / Portia Davenport (Search Party) portialain / Elliot Goss (Search Party) confabulous / Fleabag (Fleabag) feminitwit / Johnny Bravo (Johny Bravo) pretteh / and Joel Hammond (Santa Clarita Diet) screechy
no subject
The things that change most, for him, then, are his relationships to the living things he comes in touch with.]
Starvin', huh?
[Dandy is no stranger to hunger of the physical variety, as he and the other crew members of the Aloha Oe just get by on most days, sometimes going far too long without anything to eat but instant ramen.]
Can't say I don't feel ya on the crummy roommate situation. I've got a furry freeloader and a hunk of scrap metal to keep me company.
At least the two depressing duds you're shackin' up with've theoretically got a few useful parts. But, damn, lady! Your life kinda sounds like a bummer. I take back what I said! Maybe I don't wanna get to know ya any better.
[All of that is said with a teasing lilt. Dandy does have a habit of being too comfortable around strangers, especially if those strangers just so happen to be beautiful women. Tired of looking at her beautiful face through a shroud of smoke, he reaches over himself to wave through the clouds she's creating for herself.]
Sounds like you've never been in love.
When's the last time you even kissed a guy?
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Wow, just going for the personal questions right off the bat, huh? This must be what a real date feels like.
[ sarcastically. she's been on a real date before ok!! she looks away from dandy right as the smoke clears, and drops her cigarette on the ground to extinguish it with the heel of her boot. ]
No. I've never been in love. Not that I can recall anyway.
[ you'd think someone would remember something like that. ]
There was one guy. But I don't think that was ever really love... I mean I thought I could love him. Be in love with him. Come to find out he didn't feel the same way. He was using me, even faked his death to pass his debt off to me. Mind you, I was already swimming in over three million woolongs of debt by that point. [ and still is. ] I found out three years later after my partners were getting ready to turn in his bounty that he was alive. He had some work done so he wasn't recognizable. But I still recognized him.
[ her palms itch. she wants another cigarette. ]
Anywayβ
[ if he's expecting an actual answer to his last question then he is sorely mistaken. this time, though, she will look at him. ]
When's the last time you even kissed a woman?
1/2
As soon as the note of sympathy appears, it's gone, however-]
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Work done? What'd he do, get lip injections? Welp, 'least ya don't have to kiss that mouth no more.
So! Ya fell for a phony uggo who was an ass, and not the super-special-awh-some kind that should be put on display in most places of worship! Well, look at it this way- You're young and gorgeous, and he's probably got smelly feet and a stinky bumbum.
[DANDY?!]
The last time I smooched a smokin' hottie? Hm, let me see...
[If Faye were to get a glimpse into Dandy's mind at the moment, it'd be a blank space with one-too-many cobwebs with a sickly fly coming out of it. He's bad at dates and times.]
Probably two, three weeks ago? Maybe four.
[It was Agnes Lum- Yes, the picture. After one too many drinks at Boobies, Meow and QT had hauled him back to his room, and in Dandy's drunken stupor, he had taken poor Agnes off his nightstand and tried to make out with her. God, it's a miracle she's still in one piece! Thank goodness the girl is laminated.]
Although, now that I think about it? That was a rough one, for sure! Gah! Papercuts...
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Wow, a whole month ago? Color me impressed.
[ she's purely ribbing him now although it might not be obvious. ]
The truth is, I don't let just anyone kiss me, so I'm afraid it's been a lot longer for me.
[ faye pauses to ponder something.... and then shrugs when the thought seems to dissipate. ]
On the other hand, I've had some pretty interesting nights in Alba City. Sometimes the drinks flow a bit too much and suddenly there's smooching going on. It happens to the best of us, right? I'm sure a ladies man like you understands. [ wink wonk ]
i swear boobies will ARRIVE next tag, just didn't want to ruin a moment
But a kiss is just a kiss, baby.
[Dandy clacks one of his heels against the ground, slipping both hands into his pockets as he looks Faye dead in the eye. Had she not given him the rundown on Whitney, he might've even chimed in with a, "Why the hell not?"
But the answer is obvious. Seems like the last guy screwed her over pretty badly.]
That's all it is! That's all it has to be.
[For Dandy, there is something beautiful about a split second, even if it'll be lost to time hours or even decades later. Chances are, it will be. They'll part ways and she's likely to dip after she's gotten her fill of food, but it doesn't change the fact that right now, at this moment in time, Dandy's heartbeat is picking up at the suggestion of some actual flirtation, no matter how loaded with sarcasm it may be.
In his travels across the galaxy, connection, especially that of the vaguely human variety... It's rarer than any of the aliens he does manage to make money off of.]
Okay! So, maybe it'll lead to ya gettin' your heart-broken all over again. But it could also go somewhere pretty great! A lotta people get all pissy after a one-night stand, but... So what! You had at least one great night, and that's better than nothin'.
[Oh no. They are approaching a vaguely boob-shaped building with signs in flashing lights.]
Does this mean we're orderin' Tequila instead of coffee?
no subject
fast forward, and the initial revulsion that comes from experiencing one of these breastaurants dissolves into a kind of passivity over time now that she's five tequilas deep. even while the guy next to her is busy drooling and ogling them like a creep. that's not her man after all. why should she care? she doesn't. however, she is fascinated by the way the waitresses interact with dandy, with the other patrons, what they're required to do and how they're supposed to act. god, she'd hate to work in a place like this.
she clears her throat to get dandy's attention. ]
You know, I have to ask... earlier when you mentioned my partners having 'useful parts'... were you talking about their dicks? Because...
[ why, faye???? there is a moment where the amount of disgust that warps her face makes it look like she's about to hurl. and she'll shake her head, both to imply 'no' and to tell herself 'you are not about to puke right now'. ]
No way. You should see the bathroom after they've used it. I'm turned off forever by it.
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What? Oh! Nopety-dopety.
[This, surprisingly, isn't denial. It's simply that he's misremembering the joke.]
I just kinda-sorta assumed they were taller than yo- Ah!
[One of the workers bends over backwards to pick up a check, an unnecessarily brazen display of acrobatics. Not only does this mean more midrift to look at, but her skirt is hiked up inches higher and that is definitely an anime-grade panty-shot she's got going on there... Ugh.]
Hah.
Screw gasoline, it's boobies that make the world go 'round. Speakin' of boobies-
[They're in a breastaurant, there's no need to, it'd only be tacky at this rate-]
So you're the only pair of boobs on your ship? Well, our crew's two knuckleheads are 0 for 0. Tit for tata, I don't even know what holes Meow's got and I don't wanna!
[QT has his battery outlets, poor little guy...]
You ever get tired of those losers? Err, your losers, I mean.
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[ faye would feel embarrassed by the miscommunication if she wasn't more thoroughly bemused by dandy's, uh, personality. her eyes flit between the flexible waitress and the look on his face. what a pathetic horndog, she thinks, and it makes her laugh; the sound disappearing as she takes another sip. men are too easy. just wink at them and they're in love. it would take nothing at all to get someone like dandy into bedβthere's even a moment where she considers it before shaking her head and downing the rest of her drink. as she sinks back into her seat, her gaze settles on the big-haired goon, glossy green bedroom eyes that tell him she is comfortably sloshed. she smirks, though it begins to wane. ]
Oh, Dandy... every woman is more than just their tits, no matter how great they may be.
[ faye emits a sigh and lazily reaches out towards her jacket for a cigarette. bringing one to her mouth, she gently bites down on the butt and speaks around it. ]
Ha, my losers... yeah. I get tired of them. [ a soft flick, followed by flame, and then smoke. ] They're always on my ass about something, or blaming me for their shortcomings like it's somehow my fault. But outside of that? We hardly acknowledge each other. In fact, I think they still wanna kick me out. Can you believe that? After all the hundreds of thousands of woolongs I've helped them bag? How I've saved their asses? They'd be lost without me and they're afraid to admit it.
[ ... and she punctuates that with a small burp. now to address what is important: ]
Waitβyou own a cat? I would've pegged you to be a dog person. I feel like you and Ein would hit it off... [ pause ] And he's all yours for a single payment of 40,000 woolongs if you want him.
[ FAYE?? ]
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[Poor Faye doesn't know that Dandy would turn down the opportunity to be God so he could still maintain the corporeal form that allows him to touch a titty.
She'd be right that getting him into bed would be a piece of cake, and it's true that Dandy falls in love easily, easier than he'd like to admit. His problem is, perhaps, since he's really the type to go with the flow...
That if he sees the current carry a woman away from him, no matter how much he may want to be with her, he's likely to let her go.]
Oh, I am so a dog person! The cat's just a mangy bag of fleas. He's not mine, so much ass he is my problem! He just mooches off me and eats all my snacks. Which is a pain in the ass! Especially since I'm the biggest snack onboard... One day, when he's eaten me outta house and home and QT finally runs outta battery... I'm startin' to fear he'll come for me.
[That's... Depressing, but probably one of the episodes that never made it to air. If he vaguely projects or remembers it, it's probably happened in at least one timeline.]
You're always lookin' to make a quick buck, huh? Well, can't say I blame ya.
That load of moolah your ex left ya to pay off sounds like a fuckin' death sentence.
[He closes his eyes, the alcohol getting to him, but not in the way he'd like. Dandy massages his temple with a finger.]
No wonder you seem so goddamn miserable.
[Surprisingly, he doesn't mean it as a complaint.
In the brief amount of time together, he's been able to ascertain-]
No gal who smokes that much is ever happy.
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I've heard that cats considered humans to be just like any other animal. He probably will eat you under the right circumstance. If I were you, I'd watch my back.
[ she realizes too late that she talks about them in the past tense. they still exist, just few and far in between. it's been ages since faye has physically seen one. they might as well be some kind of fabricated being at this point. ]
Dogs too. I think. Ein probably wouldn't. He's a fat, smelly, lazy little furball. Kind of cute though.
[ she plucks an ice cube from her glass and sucks off the residual tequila. eh, maybe she'll order one more. faye waves her glass and catches one of the waitresses: a brunette with a lot of boobage and a top that's much too small to contain it. sooner or later the fabric is going to give and dandy will probably not survive that one. it's entertaining to think about for all of three seconds. no wonder you seem so goddamn miserable. words that will undoubtedly slip into sober thoughts much later.
faye sighs again, shrugs, seemingly dismissive about the implication. ]
Sure, you could say that, but who isn't miserable these days...
[ she runs a hand through her hair and takes a long drag off her cigarette. not everyone feels the way she does. she knows this. still, there exists a yearning to touch common ground with someone, to be heard and understood. it has never not existed. she just chooses to fight it. ]
Are you happy?
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"Kind of?" C'mon! Dogs are the best.
[Dandy's face brightens up immediately. Unfortunately for his Beetlegeusian crewmate, he is one-hundred percent a dogs over cats kind of guy.]
They're loyal, they've got waggly lil' tails on wiggly lil' booties, and they're almost always happy to see ya. Who cares if they're kinda stinky! It's all a part of their charm.
[Happiness is not a constant state of being. There is no joy without sadness, and much of the time, Dandy is on some wild goose chase that almost never leads him anywhere. His job is far harder and much less worthwhile than the flashy description would lead him to believe, but he still answers without hesitation-]
Happy? Right now? Well, yeah.
I'm happy. And when I get less happy, I come here! And if Boobies is too far out, I'll just find my way back to somethin' that makes me smile, fills my stomach, or is a lot more fun to do than what I'm doin'.
[He shrugs, raising his glass half hazardly in Faye's direction before downing the remaining.]
I mean, think about it! We're in space for cryin' out loud! If you've got a ship of your own, you can go anywhere. Look out the window and you'll get a front row seat to an ocean of stars.
Life's too short to be spent mopin' around, baby.
[he says this butt he's so gd dramatic when he's Being Moody lmfao]
So why not do somethin' dope instead?
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dandy wasn't wrongβit really is beautiful out there. plus the added convenience of ships and zipcrafts made it possible for her to travel out into that beauty. that's lucky. she dreamily sighs and forces her gaze away, looking for her drink, and then dandy. one last drag and she discards her cigarette, blowing the smoke away from him. ]
Do somethin' dope, huh? Like what? Get drunk with a strange woman you met off a dating app in what looks like every teenage boy's fantasy?
[ she snorts into her glass. ]
I think our definitions of 'dope' are very different.
i should never phone tag i always end up re-editing
Like meetin' somebody new!
Takin' a walk someplace youβve never been, starting a band! Anything, baby.
[His brows press together, smile ever-present, although he looks worried.]
Whenβd you stop seeing the good in things, huh? When that guy screwed ya over?
I thought you were tryinβ to get the hell out of dodge from a shitty ex-boyfriend when you rushed on over here, but now I get the feeling that youβre runninβ away from you.
[Usually, he'd be pissed that someone was killing his buzz at boobies, and while it's true that Faye's looks are definitely enough to win her many a favor, Dandy isn't the kind of person to leave anybody miserable in the lurch when he can say something of comfort.
He notes that she's said a lot about things she doesn't like, but he hasn't got a clue about anything she seems to actually enjoy. A thought passes idly by inside that empty head of his, that she's had her fill and even got the sandwich she so desired, and yet there's something about her that seems bogged down by a heavy weight. At the moment, she's directing her anger at him and exercising her disdain for his favorite establishment, but tomorrow it will be something or someone else.
For some reason, of that, he is certain.]
You think maybe you've had enough?
[To drink, he means.]
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Enough of running?
[ she holds his gaze for an uncomfortable amount of time, searching with an uncertainty of what she's even looking for in the brown of his eyes. her brows gather together as a sort of wistfulness momentarily bleeds into her face. so many thoughts dizzily swimming without anchor. she draws a deep breath through her nose and breaks her stare. ]
Running is all I know. Itβs what I do best.
[ when she moves her hand from dandyβs, she does so slowly, almost like she doesn't quite want to pull away just yet. she forgets how nice it feels to be touched when she's always keeping everyone at armβs lengthβbut there she goes recoiling from her emotions again. a failsafe. ]
I don't think I'm running from myself just... running from my problems. [ her debt, her feelings, other people, etc. ] It's hard to run from yourself when you don't really know who you are. Who you're supposed to be.
[ there's no added context to help him understand what exactly it is she means. anything can be taken from that. or perhaps it's just drunken jargon.
suddenly it dawns on her. ]
Oh, wait. You meant the drinking, didn't you?
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Sure did.
[Another bead of murky water drops into that melancholic pool, rippling once more when Faye chooses to move her hand away, as though it's written in the genetic code that Dandy doesn't appear to have, that love is always just once step out of his proverbial grasp.]
Why don't we get outta here? That is, if you can walk!
Buuut if you start struttin' your stuff all wobbly-like, your carriage awaits!
[He gets up, demonstrating that even after a few drinks, he's still got the ability to navigate his surroundings fairly normally.]
You can just climb onboard and I'll carry ya, piggy-back style. I've gotcha!
Let's make sure you get home safe, okay?
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[ casual confidence. she's got this. faye pushes herself from the table and proceeds to follow dandy's demonstration with her own. the difference is that she's slow to start, carefully measuring each move and doing a terrible job at retaining that casual confidence, but eventually rising to a successful stand. ]
Wait, my jacketβ
[ faye turns and leans down to grab it, but when she pivots back around itβs with juuust enough momentum to cause the entire breastaurant to spin, which in turn causes her to lose her balance and nearly fall on her ass. luckily, she falls back into her seat instead, but she looks to dandy with a kind of sheepish smile. ]
Just a little, uh... light-headed... hold on a second.
[ once she finishes putting her jacket on, the room has stopped spinning to the point that she feels good enough to stand again. but first, she reaches out to dandy and grabs his hand. you know.... for support. ]
i don't know how this tag won't come off as me giving pervs the go 2 b pervs... rip
She falls all of a sudden and he's pulled back from that dark place, an empty chamber full stars shining faintly in a cold, black box.
He edges closer to her, feeling guilty for being so wrapped up in his own depressing daydream that he wasn't able to help her before so she ungracefully landed. Dandy's fingers lace around hers when she finally reaches out to him. How long has it been, with the way she curses the world and carries herself, since anyone's been there to catch her?
Dandy doesn't know why it is that a woman's shape is enticing to the point of being his reason for being alive, but the truth is, he's obsessed with the kind of bodies he can touch, the sort of curves that will reverberate or indent when he comes into contact with them, because to exist no matter what is both a blessing and a curse.
He will always be around in some capacity to experience life's joys, but without connection, sans feeling...
When you have simply been for so long, that's the only way to know if any of it is actually real.]
Just a second?
[He meant that to sound like a tease. In actuality, he is begging.]
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she feels intangible, lost forever by her own reluctance to let people in. itβs moments like this that remind her that sheβs real; keeps her grounded, in one place. fingers entwined like they were lovers or good friends, not just a couple of uninvolved strangers provisionally passing through each other's lives. she can pretend it means something. that she wasnβt on her way to being alone once more. no one will ever know thereβs a flutter in her chest at the idea that she wonβt see him againβconvinced that itβs wonβt and not might.
there's something mysteriously kind about his eyes. she looks up at him for what feels like a very long time. a minute, at most. all the noise and excitement around them dies away when she manages to focus, instilling a sort of interim quietude. it only lasts for so long before the room starts to spin again. thinking she can stop it, faye gives dandyβs hand a squeeze and uses it to pull herself back up, their bodies nearly collide as she recovers her balance. close and yet not close enough, she almost gives in to the press of his body. the warmth inviting her to linger. one secondβ¦ two secondsβ¦ threeβ¦
suddenly, her knees buckle. she manages to catch herself but not without instinctively using both hands to latch onto him. it makes her sincerely laugh for the first time all night. ]
You know what, that piggyback ride doesn't sound half-bad... you sure you can carry me okay?
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Or well, make it to the forefront.]
Hell yeah! You're tiny. Give me a sec, let me scooch on outta here.
[He's so reluctant to move away from her that detaching himself is a slow process, especially now that he's had a chance to gaze into her striking green eyes, amused by the silly, boozy gloss they've got over them. Once he's managed to squeeze himself out of the seat, Dandy circles the table and squats to the other side of her.
It takes an awful lot of concentration to keep from wobbling since he's had a few drinks himself, but hey. He's just brazen (read: stupid) enough to think that he can pull it off.]
Tah-dahhhhhh! Hop on, baby. And, oh- You've gotta point me in the direction of your ship! I have no friggin' clue where that thing's parked.
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faye wonβt hesitate to throw her arms around dandyβs neck and climb onβsurprisingly effortless in spite of their current state. she hikes her legs up his sides and relaxes her weight against his back, intending to be as comfortable as possible while he hauls her out of there. though there is a slight timidness she experiences, assuming they're drawing attention to themselves when in truth no one is paying them much mind at all. well, except maybe for the few waitresses that are βawwwβ-ing at them from afar.
reflexively, she hugs onto him a little tighter. time to leave this place and never come back again?? her, anyway. we all know dandy will be back. he gets them outside and faye takes a second to look around and that's when she recognizes absolutely nothing. which comes as a problem because now she's unable to issue proper directions. ]
I think it might be that wayβ
[ she points one way but quickly rescinds. ]
βwait. No, that way.
[ now she points in the completely opposite direction. zero certainty behind her words. ]
Shit. I... can't remember.
[ the booze is hindering her memory but it still bothers her not being able to remember. she drops her head onto dandy's shoulder with a defeated sigh. then, a soft mumble into his back. ]
You can just leave me here. I'll find my way.
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[Dandy turns right, and then comically, left as per her directions, but it's to no avail. Thankfully, he's too preoccupied by the task at hand to think hard about how she's leaning against him, and that months and maybe years will pass before he ever gets to experience anything like this again.]
You're so trashed somebody'd throw their empty candy wrappers right on top of ya.
There's no way I'm leavin' you here all by your lonesome. That just isn't the Dandy thing to do, baby!
[He sighs, stopping in place but not dropping her or losing his newfound... Determination? We don't know, we aren't sure.]
Okay, let's backy-track-track-a-rooney here. So, you've got a spaceship. Well, is it shaped funny? Oh man! That's not even a helpful detail, since so many ships come out lookin' like... Well, the kind of thing some folks like to take another kind of ride on late at night.
[Dandy's eyes widen after a prolonged silence, and he gasps, seemingly coming to the kind of conclusion that would resemble some sort of enlightenment.]
Whoaaaaaa.
What if those ships are shaped like dingleberries, meatsacks, and fleshy-flower holes 'cause the mad scientists who designed them are all horny as ever? I mean, ya spend all that time locked up in a lab with a bunch of other nerdy uglies, and you'd start thinkin' about nothin' but bumpin' 'em.
[DANDY!!!!!!!]
It'd make a damn load of sense, if ya ask me.
[Nobody asked.]
Well, you said there were other knuckleheads on your ship. Can you call any of them? You got one of these?
[He flashes his handy-dandy multipurpose bracelet.]
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this was a good opportunity to study the structure of his hair. it really does amaze her. she wonders how much gel and/or hairspray was needed to achieve such volume. was it just a helmet of hair then? her boozy wonderment inspires her to reach out and touch it. only her hand stops before she could feel it. having managed to tune him out, the timing is terrible when her attention eventually returns. ]
My ship is not shaped like a dingleberry or fleshy flower holeβ¦ itβs, uh. It's a unique shape. Nothing weird or gross like that.
[ none of this helps anything, faye. you know what else doesnβt help? ]
Dammit, I think I left the telecommunicator on my craftβ¦
[ the only way to reach the bebop is by inputting coordinates that she definitely doesnβt have memorized but her communicator is programmed to have saved. ]
Wait, why would I want to call those jerks anyway? They wouldnβt come for me unless it meant I was paying them to do it. As if I owe them all the favors in the world or something. Ugh!
[ what a great impression dandy has of those two. ]
See? Might as well leave me to become a trashcan.
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He lost her. He lost her, he lost her.
The information hits him like a runaway car from a loaded freight, suddenly and painfully, all at once.
Dandy squints, closing one eye, turning to look forward once more.]
Nuuuuuuuh-ope! Nope, nope, nope. No can do! I know what people put in those, and none of it smells any good.
[DANDY?! WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU IMPLYING... we all know what kind of magazines you read and what tools u use 2 enjoy them!!!! (kleenex)]
Alright! Well then, I guess that leaves us no choice.
We're goin' back to the Aloha Oe.
[Dandy, by virtue of being a stupid man, doesn't understand the implications of his words, which come off gruffly. He by no means is suggesting anything lewd. The image he has in his own head involve setting Faye safely down on the couch and letting her nap until she feels sober enough to get home.]
You'll just have to deal with the peanut gallery.
[He growls softly. They've literally never seen him bring a girl home before, of that he is certain.]
Sorry 'bout the dolts in advance.
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[ thereβs an unmistakable note of warmth in her voice. ]
Anyway⦠the boys are the dummies, including the dog.
[ which still remains even while she speaks unkindly of them. of course, faye is without the appropriate cognizance to catch it; in her mind, she sounds unattached, is unattached in all other manners of being. unlike the way she hugs onto dandy right now. a momentary anchor. the world starts to spin and faye drops her head back onto his shoulder, eyes closing again, voice just a tad bit more muffled than before. ]
Sounds like you have your own band of weirdos. How many people [ "people" ] do you live with? I know thereβs the catβ¦ [ "cat" ]
i wish i could say this is the worst tag i have ever written but there are so much worse
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i'm sorry for replying so quickly, i am thirsty, pls disregard
NEVER BE SORRY!!!
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