an ass man (butt also, just an ass) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bootyhunter) wrote2022-02-07 12:30 pm
bootyhunter) wrote2022-02-07 12:30 pm
Entry tags:
CALL ME OUT
Currently writing Dandy (Space Dandy) / Rex Splode (Invincible) / and Simon Laurent (Infinity Train)
bootyhunter / himbomb / incelligent*Note: Sakamoto Tatsuma (Gintama)
kaihentai and Asher Millstone (How to Get Away With Murder) moneyballer available on requestAlso voicetesting Mike Wazowski (Monsters Inc)
googlybear / Eddy (Ed, Edd, n' Eddy) edboy / Reagan Ridley (Inside Job) madcryentist / Abdul Ali (Squid Game) aitbaar / Portia Davenport (Search Party) portialain / Elliot Goss (Search Party) confabulous / Fleabag (Fleabag) feminitwit / Johnny Bravo (Johny Bravo) pretteh / and Joel Hammond (Santa Clarita Diet) screechy
cw: blood, injury (faye flipping through the porn mag sent me)
There was, u-uh...!
[Dandy huffs and puffs in a nervous fashion, his lips flapping open and closed in a manner not unlike a fish out of water. If she hears the truth, she'll certainly brand him as a lunatic, so he's quick to make another excuse after around of melodic, stammered "buh-buh-buhs" that sound suspiciously like the McDonalds "I'm lovin' it" jingle.]
A...! Big spider!
[He holds his bleeding hand to no avail, sheepishly slinking past Faye to use one of the extra toilet paper rolls sitting atop the toilet to stop the bleeding. A few droplets of blood do get on the ground in the process.
Dandy comically rolls layers of tissue over his hand, noting that the white of it turns red almost instantly.]
Wow. So much for the absorbent shit! I guess QT must have cheapened out the last time we stocked up.
Welp! That leaves me no choice. It's time for me to bust out my emergency stash.
[Still, moving like a imbecile now with a hand wrapped in toilet paper, he waddles over to the cabinet and forces it open with his unharmed limb. Inside are an array of toiletries, and surprise nudie mag, which he pulls from the shelf and allows to fall to the ground. Lastly, he crouches close to the floor, and begins flipping through it.]
Great pose, love the lighting in this one, and damn, that's a grade-A booty, baby... Ah-hah! Finally found somethin' I won't be needin'.
[It's an ad for space Viagra.]
A page of garbo in the kind of magazine that serves as the lifeblood of any hip and happening guy.
[*loser]
But, god, how am I supposed to tear this out with just one hand...? Ah-hah, well...
[the way u jerk off ig??? Dandy, Faye is right there.]
no subject
Seriously? Can you focus?! You're bleeding everywhere!
[ that is, he will be if he doesn't quit messing around. his makeshift bandaging is growing more soaked by the second. faye turns to set her gun down and then grabs him by the wrist of the injured hand to tug him towards the sink in the least delicate way possible. she turns the water on and starts to peel the layers of toilet paper off until the wounds on his knuckles are exposed. she grimaces. ]
Keep your hand under the water.
[ faye will instruct him squarely as she starts sifting through the cabinet. there's not much for bandaging so she looks around and opts for a spare towel. ]
This was because of a spider?
[ almost like a mother scolding her child. ]
You deal with bizarre aliens all the time and you can't handle a spider.
[ the laugh might find her later but she's seemingly too focused right now. faye returns to his side and shuts the water off once most of the blood has washed off. he's still bleeding quite a bit so she gingerly wraps the towel around his hand and guides him to sit down on the toilet. ]
Do you have some kind of medical kit anywhere?
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Ow, ow, ow, ow-
[Water passes over the gashes on his knuckles, tender and tingly, in tandem with a wash of not-so-subtle humiliation. QT has helped Dandy with similarly significant scrapes a couple times before, with Meow's dilated pupils looking on in owlish curiosity, but the sensation of Faye's hands doing all the work is... Different. One he'd appreciate even more if he hadn't made such a goddamn fool of himself already.]
T-this one talked and breathed fire, baby! And told me all about the seventeenth circle of Hell! There's no babes in there... Only dudes, dudes and their dumb manly 'tudes 'n hairy, flat bum-bums...
[The word "flat" is absolutely uttered with a shudder... What a fanciful tale. Aren't there only seven circles? Dandy's version of Hell seems like just another night in the Castro.]
I dunno. I mean, I think there's a box around here? But when it comes to supplies, like, where they are and whatever the hell they're for... That's always been QT's main thing.
I couldn't tell ya. Sorry.
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βwhoops! looks like her patience ran up right after flat bum-bums. ]
Will you shut up?! I get it! It was a spider! A big, scaaary spider. Now hold still!
[ meanwhile, her other hand has started to unknowingly grip his injured hand out of frustration. she lets his mouth go and quickly realizes she's been applying too much pressure and eases up. faye checks the towel. looks about the same. ]
Maybe you should ask this "QT" where it is next time so you're not completely helpless when you run into this problem again.
[ spoken with the utmost confidence because there's no doubt in her mind that he gets into these situations more often than not. she wraps the towel back over and replaces her hand with his own. ]
Keep pressure on it. I'll see what I can find.
[ then kneels down to sift through more stuff, none of which is the medical kitβ
oh, look. another nudie mag.
BIG BOOBIES. how original.
her face flattens and she just... stares at dandy. ]
Do you just store these everywhere?
I found one stuffed in your couch, by the way...
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Once again, Dandy sees the curves of a woman shrouded in darkness. He can't make out her face, only taking in her lips as they move closer, pressing against the fingers that keep him from spouting more useless nonsense. They aren't on a ship or even in a room, but standing in a pool of water reflecting the glittery lights of starry sky.
It was a warm night. They had some kind of spunky secret to keep.
In the split second that Dandy does remember, Faye's voice echoes in his ear again and the lights around him brighten. Pain from the injury eeks a pathetic sound from betwixt his lips, and he holds the makeshift bandages just as she instructed.]
G-guh...
[She's right- Without QT, that outdated, discount appliance he had purchased with the help of a few paltry woolongs, he would be utterly hopeless. He basically already is.]
...Oh yeah?
[At her question, Dandy doesn't seem phased. Dazed is more like it.]
What'd the centerfold look like?
[He asks to distract from yet another gloomy, lingering sensation.
Dandy likes to be taken care of like this.
It's just that, for a while...
He forgot.]
Was there a centerfold? If the girls were two dimensional and buggy-eyed, that ain't my magazine! It's Meow's.
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I didn't get that far.
[ she replies passively, albeit with a hint of annoyance, still wading through toiletries and other random items that probably shouldn't be in the bathroom to find anything that resembles bandaging or could pass for such. toilet paper is not one of them. especially the cheap stuff. way too thin.
her search comes up with nothing and she stops to think. not so much about the whereabouts of the medical kit but why she's even doing this in the first place. this was a guy she met over a stupid dating app, a guy she had planned to use and never speak to again. she looks over at dandy and studies him for a beat. for such an outgoing personality, there's a loneliness that she senses within him. deep inside. he tries really hard to mask it. she could say the same about herself. is it obvious to him too? did she tell him anything last night that would allude to that? god, she hopes not... ]
I'll be right back.
[ it's never be right back but more i'm out of here and who knows when you'll hear back from me if ever. she could leave the bathroom, fetch her sopping wet jacket from the washer and leave the ship without a word. but this time... she means it. the fact she leaves her gun unattended says enough by itself.
maybe there's paper towels in the kitchen, she thinks.
the kitchen is just as bright and colorful as the rest of the ship. kind of cute actually though she's not the type to cook or even utilize a kitchen whatsoever. luckily for dandy, faye will come across a roll of paper towels with just a few sheets on it, enough to do the job. she then rakes through drawers to find some kind of makeshift tape and finds a box of plastic wrap. eh, it'll do.
she returns after a minute or two. ]
This is the best I could find.
[ she nods her head towards the sink. ]
Rinse it off again and I'll wrap it.
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Thanks.
[No matter how much he may tout himself as an adventurer, Dandy is just as much of a creature of habit as he is an impulsive space twat. He cusses out Meow on the regular and chides QT any chance he gets, but without those two adding their own colorful auras to the Aloha Oe, it'd be even drearier than the Bebop. Even with all the whimsical colors and flashing lights. In some ways, that would make the place only more eerie.
Dandy continues to follow her directions with little to no contest, thinking that it sure is nice to have a woman around for a change. He doesn't use his brain to stretch his cognition beyond that tiny tidbit, because to ruminate on it would lead to the confirmation that women and romance, no matter how much Dandy may secretly crave that brand of company, never seem to stick around. Sad as it is, even Dandy would be bold enough to utter something along the lines of, "But that's what makes it all so beautiful, baby."
Dandy observes the color of clear water turning red, his jaw dropping in a cartoonish fashion shortly afterwards.]
Holy space mackerel! I forget how nasty body juices can get, sometimes.
[Catching aliens is no easy business, sure, and yet... Somehow he can't remember when things get too violent.
Perhaps it's because amongst all those dire scenarios, he's only really survived a handful of times.]
Ya know...
Last night? it really seemed like you were on the run from somethin'.
I can't tell if it's because you're hungover or whatnot, but you've... Slowed down. Do you ever really do that? Slow down? Take a breather?
[The last words, though still childish in a way, are heartfelt-]
And, like, feel okay about it?
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but it's moments like now that she doesn't understand herself. why the simple act of caring for someone's wound leaves her feeling uncomfortable, like she doesn't belong here, shouldn't be the one doing this. it's not that she hasn't been in this situation before. spike is a dumbass who gets himself in even shittier circumstances that nearly kill him and she's been there to drag him back and nurse his injuries for god knows whatever reason....
the feeling stays with her while she waits until most of the blood is washed off and goes to pat his knuckles dry with the least bloody side of the towel. the way she doesn't answer him might seem like she's ignoring him at first. ]
Sure I do.
[ she tells him eventually, not once sparing him a glance. she folds up the paper towels into a square and places them over his knuckles. ]
Hold this for me.
[ her movement is fluid and seemingly skillful. she stretches plastic wrap over the back of his hand and then winds it a few times over until the bandage is secure. surprisingly neat and sufficient. she tosses the plastic wrap aside and suddenly her head is pounding as if to remind her that her hangover still remains. ]
We all need a breather every now and then, right? Even those like me who are always on the run.
[ faye rubs her eyes, sighs. ]
Could be the hangover though... haven't had one like this in a while.
[ her vision goes blurry and she blinks a few times until it clears and her eyes fall onto dandy's face. ]
You don't seem to be suffering much. But then again you did just punch a mirror. I'm sure that pain took away from the other.
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[A variation on his trademark, boorish, "Hah" sound, although softer in tone and colored with the faintest hint of wonder. Faye may be avoiding eye contact, but Dandy fully indulges in a once-over that oddly enough isn't wolfish or objectifying in nature. Dandy doesn't focus on her breasts or her hips, instead noting how the tense nature of her jaw muscles contrasts with the fluid, experienced work of her hands. She's either focusing very intently or the slightest bit nervous. Nervous or uncomfortable, and not concerning the wound patch-up. That she's done before, there's no doubt.
Dandy holds the dressing in place, idly comparing Faye's methods to QT's usual approach. The robot is always more methodical, so much so that when he fetches medical supplies, the routine is nearly identical each time, constituting a perfectly programmed response.
Also, his hands are fucking cold, unlike hers which are... pretty]
Hot and smart!
Color me impressed.
[Suffering. What is suffering, really?
Is it pining for someone you can't really have, even when she's right there in front of you? A real woman with hopes and dreams who isn't going to turn into a flesh-eating monster any time soon, and yet... It could also be argued that this is the very opposite of suffering. He is spending quality time with someone new, someone captivating and strange.
Dandy opts to perceive this situation as the latter, therefore providing her with no real reply.]
Oh man, what's the matter? Do you need a hand?
[He reaches out to take hold of her shoulder... With his injured fingies. Oof.
That smarts. And so, he flinches.]
A-ah.
Maybe not this one.
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[ faye notices a second too late that dandy's reaching with his injured hand. his fingers brush the curve of her shoulder and she's quick to move; slender fingers forming a grip around his wrist and carefully moving his hand away. the pads of her polished fingers drag and dawdle along his skin just before she lets go. ]
... yeah. You might wanna avoid using that one.
[ hopefully thatβs not his jacking off handβ¦ ANYWAY. she tosses the bloodied towel into the sink and gives him a reassuring smile, which turns out being less reassuring and more weary and lopsided and reflective of how she's really feeling. ]
Thanks but Iβm okay. I just have a headache. And a small case of nicotine withdrawal.
[ faye swivels around and grabs her gun, sliding it behind the hem of her rinky-dink booty shorts and stepping towards the doorway. once she's halfway out, she turns to look back at dandy. ]
I should probably grab my jacket and get out of your...
[ she stops and those startling green eyes sweep up from his face to his hair where they stay for a second. ]
... hair.
[ and she briefly smiles. ]
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Faye's fingers brush against his own, reminding him of how Scarlet's lips, full and covered in some sticky gloss, were softer than he had expected. In the moment, Dandy hadn't been doing his fair share of thinking, only going through a set of motions to keep her safe. Why, the money she paid him is in part the reason for his crew's stalling, and neither he nor Meow have been particularly wise in spending it...
But she remained so cold afterwards. Dandy wonders if his genuine concern for her had been too much, amidst a set of burgeoning romantic feelings, which he promptly squashed.
He should smile back at that cheeky remark, and he almost does! The temptation is there. Dandy's melancholy, however, gets the best of him for a second.]
You sure you remember where it is?
[He hears the washing machine clink to a halt, prior to the buzzer firing away.
Dandy places his hand in his pockets, although his gaze never wavers once.
This might be his last chance to take a look at her.]
Sorry.
I didn't mean to hold you back, or anything. You just...
Nevermind.
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[ to answer his question. she's about to walk away when he speaks up again. sorry is the last thing she was expecting to hear. ]
You didn'tβ
[ faye tries to reply but they end up speaking over each other. nevermind, he says, and she stays there, hovering over the threshold, always one foot out the door, or in this case one foot out the hallway. a woman known to hit the ground running the very second something doesn't feel right, feels uncomfortable, and yet she hasn't booked it. passed up every chance in spite of her urges. hell, she could've been gone before he woke up. of course having a hangover can slow a person down.
a manicured hand comes up to grip the side jamb, a subconscious need to anchor herself there.
you just... what was he going to say? no. probably best she doesn't know. ]
It's not because of you.
[ her tone is unwontedly sincere. ]
I just realized I have some business to take care of.
[ keep it casual..... ]
If I see any spiders on my way out, I'll be sure to squash them for you.
[ maybe he'll catch the wink she shoots him this time. ]
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This just doesn't happen. He never gets this far, not emotionally. When he finally thinks he's formed a connection deep enough to be missed, it's plucked out by the roots. He's always fantasized about being a hero for a damsel in distress, but this damsel just seems plain old distressed, period.
When Dandy grabs a hold of her wrist, the action is so instinctive, even he isn't sure from whence it came. He regrets it immediately, fingers slackening within seconds.]
You didn't seem too jazzed about your old job, is all.
["It's not because of you."
She's lied before. Multiple times, actually. He can't trust her tone of voice even if he wants to.
Unfortunately for him, what he does trust is his heart.]
Whatever it is that you do.
Did we talk about it? I don't...
[He releases her, taking the time to scratch an imaginary itch on the back of his ear.]
I'm not the best at keepin' tabs on the nitty-gritty.
[She's most likely figured it out by now.
There's no need to say it out loud.]
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I, uhβno. I don't think we did.
[ it was mentioned in passing but neither of them would remember. she looks at him and clears her throat. ]
I'm a bounty hunter. Kind of like your work but, you know, with people... and bounties...
[ faye is assuming it works a little differently with aliens. ]
You'd have to be some kind of masochist to feel jazzed about bounty hunting. It's tough work, generally unreliable, you deal directly with the ISSP, and if you're like me and have to split the payout between two other lunkheads, you're getting even less for all the hard work you've put in. Sometimes it's not even worth the few measely woolongs.
[ but sometimes it is when you have just enough to lay a bet down at the pony races
and lose every last one. she emits a deep sigh, woe is me, and pivots to face him more directly. her arms come up to cross beneath her bosom and she relaxes some of her weight against the frame of the door as if she has every intention of staying put. ]I'm not the first person to dislike their job but still do it anyway. Isn't it the same for you too? Or do you actually enjoy hunting aliens?
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Her fighting prowess makes a whole lot more sense now. Catching rare aliens is also on the dangerous side, and while Dandy can't remember, he and the others have died in the process a number of times.]
Dang, so you work with narcs for a living? Oh, big whoop!
Figures that those bastards would outsource the real dirty work to other people. They always wanna pretend they don't get grease on their thumbs like the rest of us. That's why they're always stuffin' donuts into their fat pie-holes.
[He has no right to judge, because if he locked eyes with a hot lady policewoman, he'd be putting his wrists together and yelling, "Arrest me, officer!"
Faye's last thought gives Dandy pause, and he's forced to do yet another uncomfortable thing- Think.]
I guess it's a pain in the ass most of the time, but I definitely don't hate it? And, uh... It's kind of the only gig I can work that doesn't cramp my style.
[Can you imagine Dandy as a Burger King employee... He'd jump out the drive through window and fight the drivers...]
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One of my crew mates is an ex-cop. We donβt really get along but heβs also a grumpy old fart.
[ apparently to a 23 year-old, 35 is the new old. she shrugs like itβs no big deal that she hardly says more than a handful of words to him, nor spike, on a regular basis. ask her about ~interpersonal relationships~. ]
I donβt know what the other oneβs deal is. Maybe sleep apnea? He sounds like heβs grinding gravel in his sleepβ
[ a yawn cuts her off. even her body is telling her to move on because itβs so boring talking about those guys that she totally doesnβt care about, pft! she rubs one of her eyes and uses the other to give dandy a quick once-over.
still in his undies but with the added bandage accessory on his hand.
the laugh is starting to find her. ]
Well, you certainly have enough style for the both of us, donβ t you?
[ be careful. the smile on her face can be deceiving. ]
Didn't you say you have a cat?
[ still believing meow to be an actual furball feline, she's not seen one the entire time she's been here and she's a little Concerned. she recalls the smell permeating from the one room and feels a slight hint of dread when she starts speculating whether that was the smell of death or not.
is the cat dead???anyway ]
And... QC? What's his name?
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[Secretly, internally, he's checking that off as one point for Dandy. Not a dad or an old fart! As far as he remembers, anyway.]
Though now that we're on that track, [who is we??? you mean YOU] I always assumed those girls were in only it for the money. And I guess some people have got weird turn-ons, so, if liver spots are what make ya pop a big one, who am I to judge? So 'long as you're not, y'know, a baby.
[He side-eyes for Faye for that style comment, sensing the sarcasm behind it, and chooses not to address it. She seems to be staying put, at least.]
Yeah, Meow.
He's not my cat or anything, he's just... Some giant furball we picked up at Boobies one day. I thought a new member of the crew would be a useful addition, but turns out, he's just another hungry mouth to feed.
[Who Dandy... Doesn't. Are they ever, like... Significantly more than just okay with each other? Hm.]
The robot's name is QT. Speakin' of which, I'm gonna give that little guy a call in a minute or two. He's an old model, so I'm pretty sure nobody's snatched him up, but I do wonder what's takin' him so damn long.
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[ bluntly put but faye isn't one to judge eitherβnot the women anyway. the men are delusional enough to think a beautiful, young woman is fawning over them for them when really there's $$ in their eyes and not love. it's the cold, hard truth. and look, faye has considered it in times of desperate measures, but the fact of the matter is that her very amateur acting skills would only last so long before she blew a gasket and ran off (with the money).
or maybe she wants actual love. someone to love. maybe. ]
You found the cat at Boobies? How...
[ ... does she really want to know? her imagination could probably do the work. this man lives a strange enough life that maybe it's best she doesn't wade in the waters too far. ]
Oh, yeah, right.
[ faye pushes herself off the frame and moves aside to open up the doorway so dandy could exit. she realizes now that she's been kind of blocking him in there unintentionally. ]
Probably best that you check on him. Even if he is an old model, there's people out there that'll scavenge anything if it means they can get money for it. Just saying.
1/2
[He tilts his wristlet upwards towards his face, pressing a button on it to ping QT. Faye will hear something akin to a dial-up tone playing as Dandy continues to ramble unnecessarily.]
Carryin' two sets of chompers between your cheeks sounds like a whole lotta work for some measly ole jaw muscles.
[QT does indeed pick up, and Meow can be heard mouthing off in the background, talking to all twenty-seven of his Space Twitter followers. Yes, he says his tweets out loud before publishing them... It's all very horrible.]
Ay yo, QT! What's the hold up? It feels like you two knuckleheads've been out forever. Don't waste too much money on spare auto parts, there's already too many of 'em takin' up space in your [immaculate and extremely well organized] room.
["Hey Dandy! We're just wrapping up the fuel rods so that they can be transported in tip-top shape! The Aloha Oe got parked a little too far because somebody looked up the wrong directions-"
A muffled, "Hey!" can be heard in Meow's voice.]
Alright, well, if anybody gives the two of ya any trouble, give me a ring, okay?
["Will do! We also wanted to give you some extra time with your new lady friend, so we might have been going at what you would call an easy pace-"]
2/2
WHAT?! CCCCCCCH, OH MAN, OH MAN, OH MAN, CCCCH
[He is... Imitating white noise, very openly and very obviously, in front of Faye while cupping a bandaged hand over the side of his face farthest from the wristlet.]
YOU'RE BREAKIN' UP ON ME QT! I CAN'T EVEN HEAR YA OVER THE SOUND OF THE CYBERKINETIC COMMUNICATION-Y VOID THINGYMABOBBER LINE-
["Wait! Dandy! I'm right here!"
i am too ashamed 2 type this but dandy 100% just turned his own communicator off by himself]
Wow. The signal on this planet iiiiiis crappeh.
i'm sorry she's like this
similarily, it serves to help break up any weirdness in the air.
faye's smooth about it. ]
Are you ashamed of me or something, Dandy?
[ smooth? no, no. more like cruel. suddenly, her expression shifts and it reads more like that of a woman who has been ruefully taken advantage of: brows lowering and knitting together, the corners of her lips turning down, an outward pout. very convincing! she steps towards him and reaches out to take his non-injured hand in hers. ]
I thought we were becoming really close. I even stopped you from bleeding to death, didn't I? [ "bleeding to death" ] Doesn't that earn me the right to be your... lady friend?
[ oh, the dramatic flair. has he learned to look past her bullshit yet? he should probably start now. ]
i can delete this if the thread will erupt into chaos as a result
[Dandy quirks a suspicious eyebrow upwards, looking her in the eye with more than just a modicum of distrust, although he doesn't let go of her hand or shoo it away. He's too dense to understand that he's playing right into her trap when he cautiously entangles his own fingers in her saucy grip. There's also a chance that the situation is even worse than that, that some part of his many selves or that one fiber of his cosmically ever-present being knows he's being duped, and wants to believe that this will work out anyway.
It's a good thing for Dandy that "working out" has a pretty flexible definition.]
No! It's just... Those guys tend to be weird assholes about stuff like whatever it is that is-
[He blinks three times in tandem before finishing that sentence.]
Happening.
[And then, because he can't seem to ever manage to go a significant amount of time without a certain train of thought rearing its ugly head-]
...Does this mean that butt stuff is still on the table?
1/? the chaos is mild but i will delete if this doesn't work for u!
Butt stuff?
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[ is this guy really serious ]
askjf done
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end!